Jay Leno:
"Welcome to the Tonight Show. You sound like Al Gore when he realized he finally had someone now to go to lunch with."
Jay Leno:
"Did you see how happy President Bush was yesterday when he found out he won? I mean, he couldn't decide when to give a victory speech or announce the invasion of Iran."
Jay Leno:
"A lot of Democrats were really upset yesterday. I haven't seen Michael Moore this angry since he tried to buy a single seat on Southwest Airline."
David Letterman:
"Don't kid yourself, John Kerry is in big trouble now. He must win in Wisconsin, Iowa, and Missouri or it's over."
David Letterman:
"But it was a rough campaign. Now the Kerry daughters are drinking."
David Letterman:
"Well, you know, the election is over. The first thing this morning President Bush was back at his desk, ignoring intelligence memos."
Conan O'Brien:
"On election day, a young boy in the South was kicked out of a polling place because he was wearing a John Kerry T-shirt. Yeah, yeah, later, the child was led back in when they realized it was John Edwards."
