"Welcome to the Tonight Show. You sound like Al Gore when he realized he finally had someone now to go to lunch with."
"Did you see how happy President Bush was yesterday when he found out he won? I mean, he couldn't decide when to give a victory speech or announce the invasion of Iran."
"A lot of Democrats were really upset yesterday. I haven't seen Michael Moore this angry since he tried to buy a single seat on Southwest Airline."
"Don't kid yourself, John Kerry is in big trouble now. He must win in Wisconsin, Iowa, and Missouri or it's over."
"But it was a rough campaign. Now the Kerry daughters are drinking."
"Well, you know, the election is over. The first thing this morning President Bush was back at his desk, ignoring intelligence memos."
"On election day, a young boy in the South was kicked out of a polling place because he was wearing a John Kerry T-shirt. Yeah, yeah, later, the child was led back in when they realized it was John Edwards."