"President Bush, he's been taking a few days off to prepare for the debates. In fact, today Bush had a microchip implanted in his ear. This way, Dick Cheney can speak to him directly."
"The deal for the three debates almost fell apart. 'Cause John Kerry did not want the light to flash when his time was almost up, and Bush didn't want the light to flash, 'cause you know, he's easily distracted."
"They say this debate is helping the economy. In fact, this week, millions of people are buying those big-screen TVs so they can see Kerry's entire head."
"This just in, by the way: CBS News says they cannot vouch for the authenticity of John Kerry's tan."
"Each candidate has agreed to 32 pages of rules. I'm telling you, it's like being a J-Lo husband."
For the debates, "USA Today said being likable is more important than being smart. . . . Yeah, when he heard this, President Bush said, 'Whew!'"