Jay Leno: "Did you all watch President Bush's speech last night? He did a very good job. And you know something? He didn't appear to be distracted by the balloons at all."
Jay Leno: "John Kerry held a midnight rally in Ohio right after the Republican Convention. John Kerry giving a speech at midnight. How hard was it to stay awake at that?"
"Today, Kerry campaigned in three states anger, denial, and brooding indecision."
Jay Leno: "Anyway, they're going to bypass" Bill Clinton's "heart. So this could turn him into a Republican."
David Letterman: "Trouble at the Republican Convention last night. You know the Bush twins, they were spotted at a security checkpoint by margarita-sniffing dogs."
David Letterman: "Democratic Senator Zell Miller endorsed President Bush. . . . I believe Miller is the most prominent politician to switch sides, well, since James McGreevey."
Conan O'Brien: "President Bush. . .stopped off in Pennsylvania, which he's already visited 34 times this campaign. . . . You can tell he's been there a lot, 'cause instead of chanting 'Four more years,' the crowd chanted, 'Go somewhere else.'"
On Monday night, President Bush's momentum, Osama bin Laden, and former President Clinton's heart surgery were all topics for the late night monologues.
"President Bush is way up way up in the polls. In fact, they said if the election were held today, the Supreme Court would re-elect him 7-2."
"A Bush Administration official said today we were moving closer and closer to capturing Osama bin Laden. Of course we're moving closer. It's almost election day."
"At a rally in the Midwest today, John Kerry vowed to tell the truth if he's elected president. . . . See, that's when you know a candidate is really desperate, okay?"
"It looks like both John Kerry and Bill Clinton now have purple hearts."
"I was stunned when I heard Bill Clinton was in the hospital, because I just assumed Hillary finally ran him over with the Mercedes."
"Apparently Al Gore had a similar procedure. . . . About four years ago he had what is called an 'Oval Office' by-pass."