Jay Leno:
"In what was being called the biggest speech of his career, President George W. Bush took on his biggest enemy, the English language."
Jay Leno:
"The keynote speaker at the Republican convention was Democratic Senator Zell Miller. A Democratic senator speaking at the Republican convention. Even John Kerry is going, 'Make up your mind, pal.'"
Jay Leno:
"The Republicans really went after John Kerry last night. Whew, they were on the attack. Kerry took so many shots, he got two more purple hearts just from them."
Jay Leno:
Don King "is a big Republican. . . . But he wasn't there for the convention. He was in Madison Square Garden to promote the big Chris Matthews/Zell Miller fight."
Jay Leno:
"Two women protesters outside Madison Square Garden tried to avoid being arrested by taking off their tops in front of the police. They were topless in front of the police. Right idea, wrong convention."
Jay Leno:
"In an interview in GQ magazine this month, John Kerry discussed what he looked for in a woman. He said the most important thing was trust. Trust. You know, as in 'trust fund.'"
David Letterman:
Vice President Cheney "showed his gentle side. He flashed his warm sneer."
David Letterman:
"Now that Bush has accepted the nomination, the next step, of course, is rigging off the voting machines, so there you go."
Conan O'Brien:
"Earlier today, Vice President Dick Cheney delivered a speech at the Republican Jewish Coalition. There's a Republican Jewish Coalition. Yeah, not surprisingly, the group is made up entirely of Cheney's cardiologists."
