Jay Leno:
"You know, the Olympics start tomorrow. Did you know this? U.S. Athletes have been warned against extravagant flag waving. After winning Olympic medals, they're not to wave the flag, or they will be dealt with. Don't you love our country. . .you can burn the American flag, that's okay. But if you wave it, oh, my god, you're in serious trouble now."
Jay Leno:
"The Iraqi soccer team beat Portugal in a preliminary game. What a big victory for Iraq. And I saw people in Baghdad going nuts. Shooting guns, turning over cars, starting fights, it looked like a war zone!"
Jay Leno:
"Today in Santa Monica, right up the street here, President Bush appeared with Arnold Schwarzenegger at a huge campaign rally. See, only in California can a governor who speaks German and a president who can barely speak English try to make themselves understood to a crowd that's primarily Spanish."
Jay Leno:
"Is it me, or is Bush going everywhere Kerry goes? Have you noticed that? So far, in the past week, Bush has followed Kerry to Iowa, New Mexico, Las Vegas, now L.A., Kerry's here, too. And tomorrow, he follows him to Portland, Oregon. The only place he hasn't followed Kerry? I guess Vietnam. I guess that was the only one."
Jay Leno:
"President Bush has some interesting views on our legal system. You see what he said today? Take a look." Bush: "It's one thing to have justice, it's another thing to go overboard with justice." Leno: "Yeah, you know. Can't be having too much justice, now."
Jay Leno:
"The big story, happened just a couple of hours ago, New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey. . .held a press conference, announced he is resigning as governor, because he had an extramarital affair with another man. Finally, a Democrat who can honestly say, 'I did not have sex with that woman.'"
Jay Leno:
"The California Supreme Court has ruled that all the gay marriages that took place a couple months ago, null and void. . . . In one day, do you realize, in one day, the supreme court has nullified almost as many marriages as Jennifer Lopez."
Jay Leno:
"And China announced today they are considering sending engineers, scientists, teachers, and philosophers into space. Oh, yeah, and anyone who disagrees with the government, they go, too."
