Jay Leno:
"Hey, did you hear about this? Some good news. A major terror suspect has been arrested in New York City. . . . Mike Wallace. Yeah, thank God about that."
Jay Leno:
"Well, I guess you heard the latest report out now that al Qaeda might try to use rental vehicles like taxi cabs to commit terrorist acts, and we the public, us, we're supposed to keep an eye out for any cab drivers who appear suspicious. . . . What is a suspicious cab [driver]? What, clean shaven? Freshly bathed? Speaks English? Doesn't go ten miles out of the way?"
Jay Leno:
"Well, I guess you heard that other story that terrorist threats were made against the city of Las Vegas, but city officials didn't want to make them public, and now some people – listen to this – some people are accusing Las Vegas of putting money ahead of people. No!"
Jay Leno:
"Well, here's the amazing part of this story. Now, follow me. This gets a little complicated. But apparently, the justice department obtained video surveillance suggesting that al Qaeda was targeting Las Vegas. Okay? And after confiscating the tapes, the FBI tried to meet with the hotels to review the videos, but the hotels turned them down. Didn't want to see them. Because if they reviewed the tapes, it would make them more likely to be held libel in a civil court in the event of an attack. Isn't that pathetic? We are now more afraid of lawyers than we are of terrorists."
Jay Leno:
"I guess these terrorists shot four days of footage, and of course, a lot of people are very, very nervous. Not that they are in Vegas, but they might be caught on videotape with someone other than their spouse."
Jay Leno:
"A Belgian airliner was forced to turn around after a cat got into the cockpit and scratched one of the pilots. . . . We may have found the one country that has worse airline security than we do. Boy, that's got to be reassuring if you're a passenger. You go through security, have your bags checked for weapons, you got to take off your shoes, you walk through the little house, you do that whole thing, and then your plane gets hijacked by a cat. That's pretty creepy."
Jay Leno:
"Tom Ridge, the head of Homeland Security, he's not ruling out terrorism with this cat. . . . He thinks the cat may be a member of Al Kitty."
Jay Leno:
"Yesterday, President Bush was in Florida, where he asked voters to once again send him to the White House. The voters in Florida said, 'Once again, we didn't send you there in the first place.'"
Jay Leno:
"The American Bar Association has condemned the Bush administration's handling of foreign dissidents, calling it abusive and arrogant. And when told about the ABA's comments, President Bush said, 'Who cares what a bunch of basketball players think?'"
Jay Leno:
"Let's see what's going on with democrats. John and Teresa, or as they now call them, 'cash and Kerry.'"
Jay Leno:
"According to the Drudge Report, John Kerry and his wife had a huge argument after a campaign rally in Arizona. They had a huge argument Sunday night, and they went and slept in separate hotel rooms. Yeah. So apparently, they're going after the Clinton vote."
Jay Leno:
"Apparently, what happened was that they were having an intimate moment, and Kerry accidentally yelled out the name 'John Edwards.'"
Jay Leno:
"According to the papers today, John Kerry said that as president he would remove a large number of troops from Iraq within the first six months. Well, that's smart, don't you think? In a war, it's always a good idea to tell the other side your plan."
Jay Leno:
"Yesterday, Secretary of State Colin Powell announced he will not – he will not be attending the Republican Convention. So, uh-oh. They're gonna have to find another black guy."
