Craig Kilborn: "Now President Bush is trying to put a positive spin on the latest bad economic numbers. Today he declared victory on the war on jobs."
Jay Leno: "It was so hot today, Tom Ridge raised the terror alert from elevated to sticky.'"
Jay Leno: "And today in Vegas, the terror alert was raised from who cares to not interested. No, this is really scary. The Justice Department revealed today that two years ago they had video surveillance which suggested that terrorists were targeting Las Vegas. But the public was not told, because they thought it would hurt tourism. So even terror alerts fall under 'what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas' apparently."
Jay Leno: "You know where the terrorists were staying? The Aladdin and the Sahara kind of a clue."
Jay Leno: "President Bush said yesterday this is what he told people. He said, 'It doesn't make any sense to raise taxes on the rich, because rich people can figure out how to dodge taxes.' And then Dick Cheney said, 'Shut up, you're ruining everything.''"
Jay Leno: "John Kerry went to the Grand Canyon yesterday. He said he wanted to go someplace that made his head look a little smaller."
Jay Leno: "Senator Kerry met with the leaders of the Navajo Indian tribe. Kerry said the Indian people have been disrespected in the past, and under his administration, Indians will be treated with the dignity and reverence they deserve. Then he got in his Jeep Cherokee and drove away."
Jay Leno: "And John Kerry has also proposed a ten-year plan for energy independence. And President Bush said today, 'Oh, it's not going to take that long to get all the oil out of Iraq."
Jay Leno: "Alan Keyes is running for the US Senate in Illinois, even though he lives in Maryland. He lives in Maryland. He's going to run for the Senate in Illinois. I don't know if you saw him announce his candidacy yesterday. The guy was sweating like crazy. Now, I was trying to figure out why he was sweating. I think he was sweating, because, as I mentioned, he lives in Maryland. I think he's sweating, because he remembered something he said about Hillary Clinton four years ago.'"
Conan O'Brien: "Presidential candidates are very busy right now. I don't know if you've heard the latest, but yesterday, true story, John Kerry visited the Grand Canyon. Yeah, he went looked at the Grand Canyon, afterwards, Kerry said, 'I haven't seen crevices like that since I shaved this morning.'"