Lat night's political humor in the late night monologues continued to feature several jokes about the terror alert, as well as jabs at President Bush and Sen. Kerry over comments made during the day's campaign events.
Jay Leno: "I'm sick of these summer TV shows. You know, it's all reality shows. Makeover shows, dating shows, quiz shows. You know, the only thing on TV all summer with a plot is al Qaeda.'"
Jay Leno: "Now the FBI says al Qaeda may use limousines in future terrorist attacks. Do you know what that means? Jason Williams could be our first line of defense."
Jay Leno: "They also said al Qaeda may try to use rental vehicles that transport tourists around, like cabs. Boy, that's gotta be hard for a foreigner, Huh? Get hold of a cab?"
Jay Leno: "Iraq's interim prime minister made a surprise visit to the holy city of Najaf. It was a surprise because he came back alive."
Jay Leno: "Let me ask you something, I'm no expert here, is it me, or does every city over there seem to be a 'holy city'? You know, we should try that. like, 'President Bush and Senator Kerry campaigned today in the holy city of Toledo. Holy Toledo.'"
Jay Leno: "Oil production in southern Iraq was halted today because of the insurgency. Oil production was halted, and Dick Cheney said, 'That's it, we're out of here. I'm gone.'"
Jay Leno: "President Bush was in Maine for the wedding of his nephew, Jeb's son, George P. That sounds like an episode of 'Dukes of Hazard', doesn't it? Jeb's boy George P. got hitched! When they wheeled out the wedding cake, three oil company executives jumped out and Prince Bandar, best man."
Jay Leno: "Over the weekend, President Bush, who got into Yale after his father, and then grandfather went there, talked about the evils of alumni getting preferential treatment. He said he had to knock on a lot of doors to be successful. See, this is the kind of thing that drives the Kerry people nuts. See, while President Bush inherited his money, Kerry earned his money the old-fashioned way. He married it."
Jay Leno: "For the very first time, Kerry has criticized President Bush's reaction to 9/11. Kerry said that if he were reading to the children at the moment it happened, he would have told the kids he had something important to attend to. Let me tell you something, if Kerry had been reading to the kids, first he would have had to wake 'em up.'"
Jay Leno: "Kerry met with leaders of the Navajo Indian tribe. He's been traveling cross country by train, he met with Indians along the way. He's traveling by train, he's meeting with Indians. What is this, 1882 now? Laughter trying to get a treaty so they don't tear down our telegraph poles?"
Jay Leno: "At a meeting of minority journalists, Kerry was asked last week if he would have gone to war, if Saddam Hussein had refused to disarm. And he said, this is the exact quote, 'You bet we might have.' That was the quote. Cheers and applause. See, it's that kind of decisive thinking. You see, can you imagine when he and Bush debate? Oh my God, I mean, one guy can't make up his mind, the other can't speak his mind."
Jay Leno: "First Lady Laura Bush said that people shouldn't be saying that the benefits from stem cell research are right around the corner, they shouldn't say it's right around the corner, because it gives people false hope. Then later in the day, her husband said, 'The economic recovery is right around the corner'."
Jay Leno: "In a huge upset, Ralph Nader has failed to gather enough signatures to get on the ballot in California. How embarrassing is that? You can't get on the ballot in nutball California? Remember our governor's race? Imagine finding out you're not up for the legal qualifications of porn star Mary Cary and Gary Coleman. They were on the ballot."
Craig Kilborn: "Good news for George Bush. Experts say he is favored to win the 'Last Comic Standing.'"
