David Letterman: "You folks picked a great time to come to New York City, you know, because of the big terror alert. Nice timing. Where are you going next week, Fallujah?"
David Letterman: "New York city is on high alert but I believe, and this is good news, I believe from my own observation things are loosening up just a little and I will tell you why. Today no matter how hard I tried I could not get strip searched."
David Letterman: "Everybody is New York City getting ready for the Republican Convention. All the crack dealers, for example, are now selling Viagra."
Craig Kilborn: "There's a controversial new book that says back in Vietnam Kerry laughed when he burned down enemy huts and killed their animals. I don't believe it, John Kerry laughing? I just don't believe it."
Jay Leno: "In less than a year Governor Schwarzenegger's learned a lot. He really has. He's learned tax structure. He's learned negotiation strategy. You've seen him on TV doing that. He's learned the ins and outs of state government. The only thing he hasn't learned the correct way to pronounce California.'"
Jay Leno: "Tom Ridge announced today that homeland security has informed him there's a good chance Arnold may run for Governor. So at least the information is only a year old now. It's getting better. It's upgrading. It's upgrading."
Jay Leno: "What was it, 92 today? I was sweating like President Bush looking at the latest job figures. Whoo. Doesn't look good on the labor front. They were hoping for, like, 200,000 jobs. No. They reported only 32,000 jobs created last month. 32,000. The Kerrys have more servants than that."
Jay Leno: "32,000. That's nothing. Yesterday, President Bush told the unemployed people of Ohio 'There are a lot of jobs out there, you've just got to be willing to commute.' To, you know, like India."
Jay Leno: "Today Senator John Kerry embarked on an 1800-mile train trip through several key battle states 1800 miles on a train. That's the longest Kerry has ever gone without changing direction."
Jay Leno: "The Kerrys and the Edwards went to Wendy's the other day for lunch. They made a big deal, oh, 'we're regular people going to Wendy's. We're going to go to Wendy's.' But when they got back they secretly had a gourmet meal delivered from a nearby yacht club. So I guess there really are two Americas and they just don't like the food in the poorer one. That's basically the problem."
Jay Leno: "The Democrats mentioned that John Kerry is a decorated war hero. But do you know Dick Cheney has a purple heart?"
Jay Leno: "This weekend John Kerry meeting with leaders of the Navajo Indian tribe. They like Kerry because his head reminds them of a totem pole."