Political humor in the late night monologues once again featured several jabs at the dated information used for the new terror alerts, as well as the convergence of the Bush and Kerry campaigns in Davenport, Iowa.
Jay Leno:
"Yesterday in Davenport, Iowa, while President Bush and John Kerry were giving campaign speeches, they had three bank robberies. Isn't that amazing? Isn't that unbelievable? Hey, you let Washington politicians into your town, you will attract the wrong element."
Jay Leno:
"Luckily, both Bush and Kerry have been ruled out as suspects. You see, because of his wife, Kerry does not need the money. And come on, nobody believes Bush is smart enough to pull off this kind of job."
Jay Leno:
"You see those pictures in the paper yesterday of Bush and Kerry campaigning in Iowa both holding up ears of corn as they are walking around. . .because that's what the people of Iowa make, corn. . . . How come they don't do that in LA? You don't see candidates at Hollywood and Vine holding up huge vials of crack. Arm around a hooker – big vial of crack – 'Vote for me.'"
Jay Leno:
"While in Iowa, President Bush told the crowd, 'With your help, Dick Cheney and I will have four more years.' I'm sorry, that's his meeting with the Supreme Court."
Jay Leno:
"Do you know what happened on this date four years ago? Whatever it was, the Department of Homeland Security just found out about it today."
Jay Leno:
"The latest terror alert that Tom Ridge announced on Sunday was based on information that was four years old. It's four years old. You know those metal detectors, you've got everywhere? We should cash them in and get BS detectors."
Jay Leno:
"Since this was four years ago, the color level have been elevated to rust, basically."
Jay Leno:
"The latest intelligence says Al Qaeda wants to destroy our financial institutions like the stock market. Oooh! See, I'm not worried about this. If there was some secret sinister plan that was going to cause stocks to collapse, don't you think Martha Stewart would have known about it now?"
Jay Leno:
"This weekend, John Kerry will be meeting with leaders of the Navajo Indian tribe. Apparently the Navajos found out there were two Americas. They want them both back."
Jay Leno:
"When Kerry is on the reservation, he will go by his Indian name, Long Face."
Jay Leno:
"Remember last week, Kerry and Edwards were eating at Wendy's. . . . Then the minute they got back to the bus, they had a gourmet meal delivered from a yacht club of shrimp, grilled sea scallops and prosciutto-wrapped chicken. The only thing Mrs. Kerry recognized in Wendy's – the ketchup."
Jay Leno:
"The Republicans now getting ready for their big convention in New York City. They have a plan for going into New York, they just don't have a plan for getting out. That's the problem."
Jay Leno:
"A baseball company come out with these John Kerry and George Bush bobble head dolls. Pretty realistic. The John Kerry bobble head is huge. The George Bush bobble head is empty."
Jay Leno:
"Last night was the big finale of Simple Life 2, about the misadventures of a rich heiress traveling the countryside with her partner getting in trouble every time she opens her mouth. No, that's Teresa Heinz Kerry. I'm sorry."
David Letterman:
"The city is on a heightened state of alert, which is more than I can say for last night's audience."
David Letterman:
"But don't kid yourself, this is serious. Earlier today in the West Village, the color coded threat level was raised to teal."
David Letterman:
"In Iowa, a crowd gathered around John Kerry in a cornfield for a half hour, before they realized it was a scarecrow."
Conan O'Brien:
"This week, the Bush campaign unveiled its new slogan. The new slogan is, 'We've turned the corner, and we're not turning back.' That's the slogan. Yeah. This replaces their old slogan, 'Do what Dick Cheney says, and nobody gets hurt.'"
Conan O'Brien:
"According to CNN, many people along the campaign trail are now coming up to Teresa Kerry and telling her to keep speaking her mind. Not surprisingly, they all work for the Bush campaign."
Conan O'Brien:
"Yesterday, President Bush tried to appeal to voters in Iowa by peeling a raw ear of corn and eating it. Afterwards, Bush said, 'That's the worst banana I've ever tasted.'"
