Jay Leno:
"The LA Times reporting today that Al Qaeda terrorists have been traced to Iran. And President Bush talking tough. He said today he will invade Iran the minute he has evidence his approval rating is below 45%."
Jay Leno:
"Homeland Security Director Tom Ridge said in a press conference yesterday that several of our major financial institutions are in danger of being hit by terrorists. When John Kerry heard about this, he had his wife, Teresa Heinz, shipped to an undisclosed location."
Jay Leno:
"According to a new report, Al Qaeda is trying to bring down our US financial institutions. Let me tell you, that will not be easy to destroy. There's a lot of competition – Enron, Adelphia, Global Crossing."
Jay Leno:
"First time since 1972 a candidate didn't get the expected bump from their convention. In fact, not only did Kerry, he didn't get a bump, but Bush gained four percentage points. In fact, today, Bush asked Kerry if he'd like to speak at the Republican convention, too."
David Letterman:
"We're on high terrorist alert here in New York City. You picked a nice time to come here on vacation, didn't you? Where are you going next week? Fallujah?"
David Letterman:
"You can tell that the information is dated because Al Qaeda was planning an attack during Al Gore's inauguration."
Conan O'Brien:
"Yesterday, Homeland Security Director Tom Ridge announced Al Qaeda has plans to attack buildings in Newark. Yeah. Yeah, after hearing this, Al Qaeda said, 'Are you crazy? Even we won't go to Newark.'"
Craig Kilborn:
"John Kerry took one of his campaign bumper stickers and put one on his bus. . . . I'm saying, 'How about putting one over his wife's mouth if he really wants to win?'"
