"We had the Democratic National Convention last week, and according to the polls, John Kerry didn't get that much of a boost. Now getting desperate. He changed his slogan from 'Hope is on the way' to 'My wife will buy you a Lexus.'"
"Wow, what an ovation, thank you. That lasted just about as long as a John Kerry convention bounce."
"According to his daughter, John Kerry once gave CPR to a drowning hamster. So you see, he does have a healthcare plan."
"On Friday, it was John Edwards' wedding anniversary. Edwards, Kerry, and their wives all stopped at a Wendy's to eat. . . . You know, I don't want to say Kerry's wife Teresa has never been to Wendy's before, but she ordered the pheasant. . . . You know, Teresa Heinz, it's like a bad episode of 'Green Acres,' isn't it?"
"Kerry and Edwards are on a two-week, 21-state bus tour. On the side of their bus, it says, 'Believe in America.' You know what it says on the side of Ralph Nader's bus? 'Exact change only.'"
"President Bush is back in Washington, DC. That's where he goes when he wants to get away from the Texas ranch for a couple of weeks."
"Bush and Cheney have a new campaign theme, 'Heart and Soul.' . . . Sounded a lot better than their first choice, 'Oil and gas.'"