Trifles, pearls, and musings
These are my annual thoughts imagining what people said, or might have said, on New Year's Eve:
President George W. Bush quoting W. H. Auden: "There is a time to admit how much the sword decides. Changes of heart should also occasion song."
An American soldier in Iraq: "For those who have fought for it, freedom has a taste the protected will never know."
Vice President Dick Cheney on the failure of the U.N. to deal with the crisis in Iraq: "It was like they were trying to toast a marshmallow with a flashlight."
National Security Adviser Condoleezza Rice on her media critics: "We cannot tell the time by watching the second hand of a clock."
Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld on demands to increase the military deployment in Iraq: "Trying to solve the problem now by increasing military manpower is like trying to have a child by impregnating nine women."
Secretary of State Colin Powell on why Saddam Hussein was apparently bluffing on whether or not he had weapons of mass destruction by refusing to allow U.N. inspections: "Only a fool tests the water with both feet."
Saddam Hussein: "The meek shall inherit the Earth . . . after we are through with it."
Democratic presidential candidate Howard Dean, responding to charges that he has changed his views on some major issues, including Social Security, Medicare, the North American Free Trade Agreement, and Osama bin Laden: "If you don't mind, I would like to reassess my position on the firm stand I took on my previous reassessment."
Sen. Joseph Lieberman on the polls showing him behind: "It is no exaggeration that the undecided could go one way or the other."
Sen. John Kerry on the critiques of his speeches: "Let no one say that I have said nothing new. The arrangement of the material is new."
Sen. John Edwards's response in a TV debate: "This is an excellent prescreened question, but before I give you my stock answer I would like to try to disarm everybody with a carefully rehearsed joke."
Republican Party Chairman Ed Gillespie on the contest for the Democratic nomination for the presidency: "It reminds me of two bald-headed men fighting over a comb."
Terry McAuliffe, Democratic Party chairman, on his nonstop fundraising: "Politics is supposed to be the second-oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first."
Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge on the complexities of the new cabinet: "I was sworn in by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
Secretary of Health and Human Services Tommy Thompson on the medical profession: "Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do `practice'?"
Agriculture Secretary Ann Veneman: "Anybody who thinks mad cow disease never came to the United States before now never met former Congressman Bob Dornan."
Arnold Schwarzenegger's response in the one California gubernatorial TV debate: "As I said earlier, I won't answer questions about taxes, the budget deficit, or education. I am here to talk about my sexual escapades."
Warren Buffett on investing: "The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon on Yasser Arafat's demanding an independent Palestinian state while still conducting terrorist operations: "I have no intention of feeding a crocodile, hoping that it will eat us last."
President Hosni Mubarak on Egypt's contribution to the Middle East peace process: "Things will get worse before they get worse."
President Pervez Musharraf of Pakistan after two failed attempts on his life: "What happens if you get scared half to death twice?"
Oprah Winfrey on women: "The only time a woman wishes she were a year older is when she is expecting a baby." And on men: "Don't imagine you can change a man unless he is in diapers."
Disgraced Tyco CEO Dennis Kozlowski on his use of company funds to pay for parties, apartments, and everything else: "What's the use of happiness if it can't buy you money?"
Bill Novelli, head of the AARP: "Life not only begins at 50; it also begins to show."
Jack Nicholson on why he is not a member of AARP: "I am not 50-something. I am $49.95, plus shipping and handling."
TV talk-show host John McLaughlin's theory of hosting: "If you dance with a gorilla, you'd better let him lead."
This story appears in the January 12, 2004 print edition of U.S. News & World Report.
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