Social Anxiety
For millions of Americans, every day is a struggle with debilitating shyness
Perhaps the most common thing social phobics have to learn for the first time is to listen. "All kinds of alarm bells and sirens are distracting to social phobics," says Maidenberg. "So it is nearly impossible to hear what a person standing 4 inches away is saying." In fact, it is sometimes difficult for an extremely shy person to even feign interest in a companion's words. "Social phobics don't realize that most people in a room are not taking much notice of them," says Tylim, who says that social phobics in some ways crave the spotlight but fear that humiliation will come from it.
That's why Bernardo Carducci, author of Shyness and director of the Shyness Research Institute at Indiana University Southeast, is convinced that shifting the focus away from the self is the most therapeutic thing a shy person can do. "They desperately want to connect with others," he says; otherwise, they would merely be contented introverts or recluses who simply prefer their own company. Carducci sends patients to soup kitchens, hospitals, and nursing homes as a way of escaping the tyranny of self-centeredness. "It works because you get out there and start to see how shy other people can be," says Rick Robbins. "And then you don't feel so all alone, so different from every one else." At first, he tried to pry himself out of his problem with alcohol, what therapists dub "liquid extroversion." Then he forced himself to go to social occasions, where he would sit--miserable, silent, and sick to his stomach. If anything, these kinds of efforts at beating shyness will only aggravate the condition, because they are negative experiences that reinforce the fear.
Learning to cope. And because shyness is at least partially genetic, researchers unanimously agree that it is a mistake to try to become "unshy." Rather, the goal is to take steps to function despite the pounding heart and sweaty palms. Some do advance work for the tough moments. "Be fore I go out, I come up with four or five topics I would like to talk about," says Rob bins. "Usually by the third one I bring up, I find something in common and for get about my nerves." Mark Goomishian, who has trouble even signing a check in public, looks for social arenas where he can be more himself, such as the local coffee shop, where he meets others for regular games of chess. "Because you don't have to talk during the game," he says, "it's a socially anxious person's sport."
In fact, many therapists say that if the socially phobic could rein in their anxiety enough to function, they would help make the world a better place. Many beloved figures in history have suffered shyness, including Eleanor Roosevelt, Robert Frost, and Albert Einstein. Shyness in its milder forms is associated with traits such as greater empathy, more acute perceptiveness, canny intuition, and beneficent sensitivity. All qualities that are nothing to be shy about.
A spectrum of shyness
A touch of timidity is human, but too much shyness can be debilitating
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