Lies Parents Tell Themselves About Why They Work
Few topics are as important--and involve as much self-deception and dishonesty--as finding the proper balance between child-rearing and work
Meanwhile, neither party is close to cutting spending on a scale that would permit tax cuts deep enough to offset the loss of income if one parent stopped working. Eliminating the Commerce Department, for example, as many Republicans have urged, would give the average taxpayer an extra dime a day. Vaporizing the bureaucrats at the Department of Education frees up another penny.
Ironically, to the extent any economic policy is keeping mothers at work, it's in an area the GOP is loath to address: the lack of universal health coverage. Thirty-one-year-old Amy Krueger, for instance, of Medford, Mass., never dreamed of giving up her travel-agency job when her daughter was born. Her husband was self-employed; she knew they needed the health insurance her job provided. Phyllis Schlafly of the conservative Eagle Forum says that if Republicans really cared about women staying home, they would focus on what U.S. News estimates are the 4 million to 5 million women now locked unhappily in full-time jobs only for the sake of health benefits.
If most women who work full time do so not because they absolutely have to, and not because they have been taxed out of their home, and not because their bosses refuse to consider part-time work, then why do they do it? Mostly for the same reasons men do. Increasing, the identification between occupational success and self-worth is as strong for women as for men. Maintaining one's skills and earning power helps maintain a sense of independence. Caseworker Villanueva, who was separated from her husband for a time, did not have a job during the separation, leaving her in a terrifying scramble to support her family. The couple later reconciled--but she kept the job, she says, "just in case." Couples counselors regularly observe that each spouse's job achievement and salary affect the balance of power within the relationship. To some extent, women go to the office to level the playing field back home. As the Hochschild study shows, women are increasingly discovering that the workplace can be a sanctuary. And, of course, some people work because money can buy not only power and independence but things.
There's no question that more money can mean a better lifestyle not only for yourself but for your kids. They may be able to go to a finer school, have educational computer software, even better health care. Recent studies also confirm that a child whose father or mother stays home and resents it is worse off than if the parents go to work.
Working entails tradeoffs, and it would be easier not to have to face them. That's why parents cling to false explanations that have an end-of-discussion quality. If a mother is convinced that she really needs the money, for instance, the tradeoff becomes obvious: a marginal increase in time with the kids vs. survival of the family. The good parent chooses work. But if it's marginal economic improvement vs. spending a lot of time with children, the scale tilts back. It's easy to state the options in a way that justifies whatever course you have chosen. "The thought of retiring for 10 years to raise children--I couldn't do that," says Cinzia Liambo, 34, a rising Boston bank executive with a 2-year-old daughter (and a son on the way). "I'd be a dinosaur." Of course, the choice isn't between working full time and retiring for 10 years. Consider this fact: Despite the rush of women into paid work in recent years, two thirds of moms with school-age kids do not work full time. Fathers, too, could choose to stay home.
Self-deceptions make it harder to devise solutions. If the assumption is that most people work for necessities, the door is opened to the argument that a $500 tax credit will solve the problem. If the assumption is that day care is fine, then there is no need to forgo buying a new car or to push business and government to improve it. And if couples expand the definitions of "necessity," and build big mortgages and car payments into their 10-year plans, they deprive themselves of the ability to make more flexible decisions. "I frown on people who say 'I work because I don't have a choice,' " says working mom Kristin Garris of Detroit. "It is a choice." Honestly.
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