Lies Parents Tell Themselves About Why They Work
Few topics are as important--and involve as much self-deception and dishonesty--as finding the proper balance between child-rearing and work
What explains the disconnect between parent perceptions of day-care quality and the reality? Howes sees two reasons. First, the typical parent cannot carefully assess day care. Some can't leave work during the day to drop in unannounced and observe their children and their caretakers. Other parents don't know precisely what they should be looking for in day care (box, Page 73). Most check to see that a site is clean and safe but fail to determine whether children receive sufficient emotional care and intellectual stimulation.
The other reason parents overlook problems in their day-care setup, says Howes, is that "psychologically, they can't bear to tell you it's not good." This state of denial may become all the stiffer as a defense against the widespread belief that the ideal way to raise kids is with a parent, preferably Mom, at home. According to a 1997 Roper poll of 950 adults, 75 percent of respondents said that mothers who work outside the home and who have children under the age of 3 are threatening family values. In another 1997 Roper poll, 44 percent of Americans agreed with the statement that preschool-age children suffer if Mom works outside the home. Those who are judged by others to be "bad" parents have extra incentive to say it is not so.
While most day-care centers studied are "barely adequate," is there evidence that these conditions actually harm kids? Developmental psychologists have been trying to answer that question for the past 20 years, with conflicting results. A young child's emotional and intellectual development are influenced by myriad factors that include not only day care but also socioeconomic status, nutrition, and the mother's and father's emotional health. A crucial question is whether putting infants and toddlers into day care can damage the relationship between mother and child. Most psychologists agree that a child's attachment to his primary caretaker, usually his mother, and to a lesser degree to other close family members, forms the foundation for his emotional development. New research on the brain shows that the period from birth to 3 years is also critical to future intellectual growth. A comprehensive, $45 million study sponsored by the National Institute of Child Health and Human Development is tracking 1,300 children and may provide some answers. According to initial results, in cases where the mother-child relationship is already weak, placing a child in day care as an infant for more than 10 hours a week--especially poor-quality day care--can do real damage. The researchers found that such children were "insecurely attached" to their mothers at 12 months of age. Numerous studies have shown that this weaker bond puts kids at risk for later behavior problems, including overaggressiveness, disobedience, and an inability to learn in school or to feel compassion for others. Poor-quality day care can also hinder development of a child's language and cognitive skills at the ages of 2 and 3. There is also good news: High-quality day care can boost a 2- or 3-year-old's language and cognitive skills. In other words, attentive parents who send their kids to excellent day care are probably not doing their kids any harm. Unfortunately, only a small percentage of day-care centers fit into that category.
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