Lies Parents Tell Themselves About Why They Work
Few topics are as important--and involve as much self-deception and dishonesty--as finding the proper balance between child-rearing and work
As for college education, tuition at Ivy League schools and their elite private brethren has soared at nearly twice the rate of inflation in the past two decades. But barely 1 percent of students face these frightening $20,000 tuition tabs. Nearly 80 percent attend public colleges; while tuition there has gone up, too, the average is only $2,800.
Further evidence that economics isn't the dominant factor for many families: One quarter of married couples with school-age kids--nearly 7 million families--choose to have one parent stay home. And those making this choice are not primarily the rich. The median income for two-earner families was about $56,000 in 1995, up 27 percent in real terms since 1970, as opposed to $32,000 for old-fashioned male-breadwinner homes (down 3 percent).
So why--and how--do these families do it? Ed and Leslie Verrilla live in a Pittsburgh suburb, where Leslie stays home with 4-year old Spencer and nearly 2-year-old James. Ed, 35, is a restaurant manager who makes $23,000 a year. Before the kids were born, Leslie, 27, made nearly $20,000; now she brings in just $2,400 a year through baby-sitting. "It's a big struggle for us financially, but I think it's the right thing to do," because, she says, only a stay-at-home mom can provide the stability a child needs to feel secure (and she doesn't have to miss a minute of their childhood). Their only car, a Chevy Cavalier, is 11 years old. Half the clothes she buys for Spencer are used; they will be handed down to James and then resold to consignment shops. The family lived with Leslie's mother for two years while they saved for a down payment for a $65,000 house. "It takes concentration," she says about stretching their limited income, "but it's not that hard."
Part of the reason such couples try to make it work, says Martha Bullen, herself an at-home mom near Chicago who writes on family issues, is that when you count up work-related expenses, the second earner often doesn't contribute as much as people think. Two thirds of the wife's typically lower salary can disappear to pay for extra costs of child care, commuting, a work wardrobe, meals out, dry cleaning--and of course taxes.
Lie #2: Day care is perfectly good In 1990, more than half of American infants and toddlers were in the care of someone other than their parents. Parents who have made this choice want to believe it is the right one. Not surprisingly, in three separate studies, parents consistently expressed high levels of satisfaction with their child care.
By contrast, the most recent comprehensive study, conducted by researchers at four universities, found that while 15 percent of day-care facilities were excellent, 70 percent were "barely adequate," and 15 percent were abysmal. Children in that vast middle category were physically safe but received scant or inconsistent emotional support and little intellectual stimulation. Says Carolee Howes, a developmental psychologist at the University of California--Los Angeles and one of the authors of the study, "When I look at this data and I think about where I would want my child, it is not in this middle clump."
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