The Rise of the Gay Family
More and more American children are growing up with same-sex parents
"We were afraid people out here would be skeptical of us," says Sheri Ciancia, sipping a glass of iced tea outside the four-bedroom house she and her partner bought last fall in Tomball, Texas, a half-hour's drive from Houston. "Afraid they wouldn't let their kids play with ours."
"But we've got to take chances," adds Stephanie Caraway, Ciancia's partner of seven years, sitting next to her on their concrete patio as their 8-year-old daughter, Madison, attempts to break her own record for consecutive bounces on a pogo stick. "We're not going to live in fear."
A trio of neighborhood boys pedal their bikes up the driveway, say hello to the moms, and ask Madison if they can use her bike ramp. The boys cruise up and down the ramp's shallow slopes while Madison continues bouncing, the picture of suburban serenity. Despite their misgivings about relocating from Houston to this tidy subdivision, the family has yet to encounter hostility from their neighbors. "We have to give straight people more credit," Caraway says with a wry smile. "I'm working on that."
Tomball--its roads lined with single-room Baptist churches and the occasional sprawling worship complex, known to some locals as "Jesus malls" --may seem an unlikely magnet for gay couples raising kids. A year before Caraway and Ciancia moved here, activists in the neighboring county got a popular children's book that allegedly "tries to minimize or even negate that homosexuality is a problem" temporarily removed from county libraries. So imagine Caraway's and Ciancia's surprise when, shortly after moving in, their daughter met another pair of moms rollerblading down their block: a lesbian couple who had moved into the neighborhood with their kids just a few months earlier.
Growing. Gay families have arrived in suburban America, in small-town America, in Bible Belt America--in all corners of the country. According to the latest census data, there are now more than 160,000 families with two gay parents and roughly a quarter of a million children spread across some 96 percent of U.S. counties. That's not counting the kids being raised by single gay parents, whose numbers are likely much higher--upwards of a million, by most estimates, though such households aren't tracked.
This week, the commonwealth of Massachusetts will recharge the gay-marriage debate by becoming the first state to offer marriage licenses to same-sex couples. The move has raised the ire of conservatives who believe gay marriage tears at the fabric of society--and earned support from progressives who think gay men and lesbians deserve the same rights as heterosexuals. But the controversy is not simply over the bond between two men or two women; it's about the very nature of the American family.
Gay parents say their families are much like those led by their straight counterparts. "I just say I have two moms," says Madison, explaining how she tells friends about her parents (whom she refers to as "Mom" and "Mamma Sheri" ). "They're no different from other parents except that they're two girls. It's not like comparing two parents with two trees. It's comparing two parents with two other parents."
Many of today's gay parents, who grew up with few gay-parent role models, say their efforts have helped introduce a culture of family to the gay community. "In the straight community, adoption is a secondary choice," says Rob Calhoun, 35, who adopted a newborn daughter with his partner 20 months ago. "But in the gay community, it's like, 'Wow, you've achieved the ultimate American dream.' "
The dream has not been without cost, though. Gay parents and their kids in many parts of the country frequently meet with friction from the outside world, in the form of scornful family members, insensitive classmates, and laws that treat same-sex parents differently from straight parents. In general, Americans are split on the subject. A national poll this winter found that 45 percent believe gays should have the right to adopt; 47 percent do not.
Many traditional-marriage advocates argue that marriage is first and foremost about procreation. "It is the reason for marriage," Pennsylvania Sen. Rick Santorum said last summer. "Marriage is not about affirming somebody's love for somebody else. It's about uniting together to be open to children." Other critics call gay and lesbian couples who are raising kids--whether from previous marriages, adoption, or artificial insemination--dangerously self-centered. "It's putting adult desires above the interest of children," says Bill Maier, psychologist in residence at Focus on the Family and coauthor of the forthcoming Marriage on Trial: The Case Against Same-Sex Marriage and Parenting. "For the first time in history, we're talking about intentionally creating permanently motherless and fatherless families."
Evidence? Three decades of social science research has supplied some ammunition for both sides of the gay-parent debate. Many researchers say that while children do best with two parents, the stability of the parents' relationship is much more important than their gender. The American Psychological Association, the American Academy of Pediatrics, the National Association of Social Workers, and the American Bar Association have all released statements condoning gay parenting. "Not a single study has found a difference [between children of gay and straight parents] that you can construe as harmful," says Judith Stacey, a professor of sociology, gender, and sexuality at New York University and a gay-rights advocate.
Stacey and other researchers even suggest that gay and lesbian parents who form families through adoption, artificial insemination, or surrogacy may offer some advantages over straight parents. "In the lesbian and gay community, parents are a self-selecting group whose motivation for parenthood is high," says Charlotte Patterson, a psychologist and researcher at the University of Virginia. But studies on the subject have so far examined relatively few children (fewer than 600, by some counts) and virtually no kids of gay dads.
One study coauthored by Stacey and widely cited by both supporters and opponents of gay parenting found that children of lesbians are more likely to consider homosexual relationships themselves (though no more likely to identify as homosexuals as adults) and less likely to exhibit gender-stereotyped behavior. "If we could break down some of society's gender stereotypes, that would be a good thing," says Ellen Perrin, professor of pediatrics at the Floating Hospital for Children at Tufts-New England Medical Center. Focus on the Family's Maier disagrees: "They don't have rigid gender stereotypes? That's gender identity confusion."
While the debate continues, the number of kids with gay parents keeps growing. According to Gary Gates, an Urban Institute demographer, 1 in 3 lesbian couples was raising children in 2000, up from 1 in 5 in 1990, while the number of male couples raising kids jumped from 1 in 20 to 1 in 5 during the same period. The uptick is partly due to changes in the census itself, which in 1990 tabulated most same-sex couples that identified themselves as married on census forms as straight married couples. In the 2000 census, though, those couples were tabulated as gay and lesbian partners. But the leap in such couples with children is large enough to suggest a real spike. And because gay and lesbian couples are sometimes reluctant to identify themselves as such on census forms, actual figures could be much higher.
Moving in. What's perhaps most surprising is that gay- and lesbian-headed families are settling in some of the most culturally conservative parts of the country. According to the Gay and Lesbian Atlas, published earlier this month by the Urban Institute, Alaska, Arizona, Georgia, Louisiana, and New Mexico are among the 10 states with the largest number of gay families--along with more historically gay-friendly New York, California, and Vermont. States where gay and lesbian couples are most likely to have children (relative to the state's total number of gay couples) are Mississippi, South Dakota, Alaska, South Carolina, and Louisiana, in that order. "Same-sex couples who live in areas where all couples are more likely to have children" may simply be more likely to have children themselves, according to the atlas. And couples with children--regardless of their sexual orientation--are looking for good schools, safe streets, and outdoor green space. "It's gay couples who don't have kids whose behavior tends to be different: They live in more-distressed areas of cities, with higher crime and more racial diversity," says Gates. "But a large portion of gay people own their homes, live in the suburbs, and are raising two children."
Most of these children are the products of previous heterosexual relationships. Madison, for one, is Caraway's daughter by a former boyfriend. Caraway says the pregnancy forced her to come to terms with her homosexuality; she started dating Ciancia soon after her daughter's birth. "If you stay in a relationship but you're not in love or committed to the person, children sense that," says Caraway, now 31. "What kind of message does that send?"
But as these children enter middle and high school, their peers are more likely to inquire about their parents' sexuality--and not always politely. The Tufts-New England Medical Center's Perrin, who authored the American Academy of Pediatrics' policy on gay parenting, says that children of same-sex parents "get stigmatized because of who their parents are. It's the biggest problem they face by far." Just like many gays and lesbians themselves, children of homosexuals speak of "coming out" as a long and often difficult ordeal. "You are, on a day-to-day basis, choosing if you're out or if you're going to be hiding the whole truth," says Abigail Garner, author of the recently released Families Like Mine, about children of homosexuals." Is she your mom's roommate or your aunt or your mom's friend?"
During middle school and part of high school, A. J. Costa, now a freshman at Texas Lutheran University outside San Antonio, kept his mother's relationship with a live-in partner secret. He grew close to his mom's partner, even preferred the arrangement to his mom's previous marriage, which ended when he was 7, but never invited friends to the house. "I didn't want anyone to make fun of me," says Costa. "Nobody was going to mess with my family."
Costa's fears were reinforced by some classmates who did find out and referred to his moms as "dykes." But in the summer before his junior year in high school, Costa visited Provincetown, Mass., for "Family Week," an annual gathering of gay parents and their children. "I couldn't get over how many families there were, all like mine," he recalls. "I realized that it wasn't about whether I have two gay moms. It was that I have two moms . It was getting past the fact that they're gay."
Support. In recent years, support networks for children of gay parents and for parents themselves have expanded dramatically. Children of Lesbians and Gays Everywhere, or COLAGE, has chapters in 28 states. The Family Pride Coalition, whose dozens of local affiliate organizations attract gay parents who want their kids to meet other children of gays and lesbians, has doubled its member and volunteer base in the past five years, to 17,000. Vacation companies like Olivia, founded 30 years ago for lesbian travelers, now offer packages specifically for gays and lesbians with children, and R Family Vacations, underwritten by former talk-show host Rosie O'Donnell, will launch its inaugural cruise this summer. Tanya Voss, a 36-year-old college professor in Austin who, with her partner, has two young boys through artificial insemination, plans to attend the first Family Pride Coalition weekend at Disney World next month. Kids need environments where "they don't have to explain their families," she says, "a safe place where they could just be."
Still, neither COLAGE nor Family Pride Coalition has affiliate groups in Mississippi, South Dakota, or Alaska, the states where gay and lesbian couples are most likely to have kids. ("The way you manage in a more hostile environment," says Gates, "is to go about your business and not draw much attention to yourself." ) Many such states also present the highest legal hurdles for those families. Roughly two thirds of children with same-sex parents live in states where second-parent or joint adoptions--which allow the partner of a child's biological or adoptive parent to adopt that child without stripping the first parent of his or her rights, much like stepparent adoption--has been granted only in certain counties or not at all.
Absent such arrangements, a biological or adoptive parent's partner could be powerless to authorize emergency medical treatment or denied custody if the other parent dies. When Voss and her partner were planning to have their first child, they decided Voss wouldn't carry the baby because her parents--who disapprove of Voss's homosexuality--would have likely claimed custody in the event that their daughter died during childbirth.
Gay-rights advocates argue that it's often children who end up suffering from laws restricting gay parenting--and same-sex marriage. If a parent without a legal relationship with his or her partner's child dies, a 10-year-old child whose nonlegal parent was earning $60,000 at the time of death, for example, would forgo nearly $140,000 in Social Security survivor benefits paid to children of married couples, according to the Urban Institute and the Human Rights Campaign. That's on top of the more than $100,000 in Social Security paid to a widow--but not a gay partner--whose spouse earned $60,000. And without laws recognizing them as legitimate parents, nonlegal parents are unlikely to be required to pay child support if they leave their partner.
Recently, some states have further restricted adoption. Earlier this year, a federal appeals court upheld Florida's ban on homosexuals' adopting children, the only one of its kind in the nation. Arkansas now bans gay foster parenting, Mississippi bans same-sex couples from adopting, and Utah bans adoptions by all unmarried couples. "State legislatures that opposed gay marriage are going to push to replicate what Florida has done," says lawyer John Mayoue, author of Balancing Competing Interests in Family Law. "We'll see more of this as part of the backlash against gay marriage."
Even so, more gay couples--especially male couples--are adopting than ever before. A study last year found that 60 percent of adoption agencies accept applications from homosexuals, up from just a few a decade ago. The 2000 census showed that 26 percent of gay male couples with children designate a stay- at-home parent, compared with 25 percent of straight parents. "When you have children, whether you're gay or straight, you spend lots of time wondering how good a job you're doing for your kids; you lose sleep over it," says Mark Brown, 49, whose partner stays home with their two young adopted kids. "It doesn't leave much time to worry about how we're being perceived by straight society."
GAY PARENTS AND THE LAW
Over the past two decades, some states have granted second-parent adoption rights--which allow the partner of a child's biological or adoptive parent to adopt a child without the first parent losing his or her rights--to gay couples. Others states, meanwhile, have recently passed laws restricting adoption for gay couples.
Ala. State permits second-parent adoptions only in certain counties (by lower-court ruling).
Alaska State permits second-parent adoptions only in certain counties (by lower-court ruling).
Ariz. States do not grant second-parent adoptions or law is unclear.
Ark. State prohibits gay men and lesbians from being foster parents.
Calif. State permits second-parent adoptions (by law or high level court ruling).
Colo. States do not grant second-parent adoptions or law is unclear.
Conn. State permits second-parent adoptions (by law or high level court ruling).
Del. State permits second-parent adoptions only in certain counties (by lower-court ruling).
D.C. States do not grant second-parent adoptions or law is unclear.
Fla. State prohibits adoption by gay individuals or couples.
Ga. States do not grant second-parent adoptions or law is unclear.
Hawaii State permits second-parent adoptions only in certain counties (by lower-court ruling).
Idaho States do not grant second-parent adoptions or law is unclear.
Ill. State permits second-parent adoptions (by law or high level court ruling).
Ind. State permits second-parent adoptions only in certain counties (by lower-court ruling).
Iowa State permits second-parent adoptions only in certain counties (by lower-court ruling).
Kan. States do not grant second-parent adoptions or law is unclear.
Ky. States do not grant second-parent adoptions or law is unclear.
La. State permits second-parent adoptions only in certain counties (by lower-court ruling).
Maine States do not grant second-parent adoptions or law is unclear.
Md. State permits second-parent adoptions only in certain counties (by lower-court ruling).
Mass. State permits second-parent adoptions (by law or high level court ruling).
Mich. States do not grant second-parent adoptions or law is unclear.
Minn. State permits second-parent adoptions only in certain counties (by lower-court ruling).
Miss. State prohibits adoption by gay individuals or couples.
Mo. States do not grant second-parent adoptions or law is unclear.
Mont. States do not grant second-parent adoptions or law is unclear.
Neb. States do not grant second-parent adoptions or law is unclear.
Nev. State permits second-parent adoptions only in certain counties (by lower-court ruling).
N.H. States do not grant second-parent adoptions or law is unclear.
N.J. State permits second-parent adoptions (by law or high level court ruling).
N.M. State permits second-parent adoptions only in certain counties (by lower-court ruling).
N.Y. State permits second-parent adoptions (by law or high level court ruling).
N.C. States do not grant second-parent adoptions or law is unclear.
N.D. States do not grant second-parent adoptions or law is unclear.
Ohio States do not grant second-parent adoptions or law is unclear.
Okla. State prohibits adoption by unmarried cohabitating couples or same-sex couples from outside the state.
Ore. State permits second-parent adoptions only in certain counties (by lower-court ruling).
Pa. State permits second-parent adoptions (by law or high level court ruling).
R.I. State permits second-parent adoptions (by law or high level court ruling).
S.C. States do not grant second-parent adoptions or law is unclear.
S.D. States do not grant second-parent adoptions or law is unclear.
Tenn. States do not grant second-parent adoptions or law is unclear.
Texas State permits second-parent adoptions only in certain counties (by lower-court ruling).
Utah State prohibits adoption by unmarried cohabitating couples or same-sex couples from outside the state.
Vt. State permits second-parent adoptions (by law or high level court ruling).
Va. States do not grant second-parent adoptions or law is unclear.
Wash. State permits second-parent adoptions (by law or high level court ruling).
W.Va. States do not grant second-parent adoptions or law is unclear.
Wis. States do not grant second-parent adoptions or law is unclear.
Wyo. States do not grant second-parent adoptions or law is unclear.
Top 10 states where gay couples are most likely to have children (relative to all gay couples) in rank order.
1. Miss.
2. S.D.
3. Alaska
4. S.C.
5. La.
6. Ala.
7. Texas
8. Kan.
9. Utah
10.Ariz.
Sources: Human Rights Campaign, National Gay and Lesbian Task Force, Urban Institute's Gay & Lesbian Atlas
Graphic by Rob Cady--USN&WR
This story appears in the May 24, 2004 print edition of U.S. News & World Report.