Grooms for improvement
Peter Karafotas, 26, has a premarital dilemma. He really likes the idea of a chocolate and strawberry wedding cake at his June 19 nuptials in Washington, D.C., but a new temptation has him doubting his commitment. A chocolate-raspberry combo, he declares, also seems appealing.
After several one-on-one visits with florists, Chris Coffman, 24, of Menlo Park, Calif., has settled on white bouquets and a modern, clean look for the centerpieces at his wedding reception, also this June. "We're doing heavy, square, clear-glass vases, some with glass beads, some with candles, and some with floating flowers," he says.
But when it comes to wedding involvement, Jason Fox Jackson, 27, takes the groom's cake. The Texan spent four hours sewing beads on his bride's wedding gown before they said "I do" in December. "She was doing it by hand," he says. "I wanted to help."
A generation ago, the stereotypically clueless groom had three main jobs: Buy the ring, rent a tux, and get to the church on time. These days, the to-do list is often much longer. According to 2003 surveys by Bridal Guide magazine, 89 percent of couples register together, and 42 percent do the majority of planning as a duo (up from 37 percent in '02). And when the new breed of groom isn't planning, he's sharing wedding tips on groom blogs--Web sites where helpful husbands-to-be tell how they did it all for love.
Part of grooms' piqued interest is the fact that the marriage ceremony is increasingly a financial commitment as well as an emotional one. Couples are older at the time of marriage (26.9 for men and 25.3 for women, up from 23.1 and 21.1 in 1974) and often shoulder more of the cost. Bridal Guide's 2003 survey found that 90.9 percent of couples paid for at least some of their wedding bills. When the money comes out of the couple's pockets, both of them want a say.
Ficus fetish. That's why Amanda McManus and James Ravitz, both 33, swung by a bridal show last month at the Hay-Adams Hotel in Washington, D.C. As they chatted with vendors to finalize plans for the nuptials they're paying for, Ravitz was thinking about the key to a successful party: "Of course we need a singer. I don't want people moping." Then he noticed ficus plants on display. "Are we going to get these?" he asked McManus. She wasn't sure. He was: There must be ficus in the reception area.
Guns and roses. The 21st-century groom is clearly unafraid to unveil his wedding vision. But just in case, the wedding biz is adding a masculine tint to the planning process. Registering for gifts has become much more testosterone-friendly, with places like REI and Home Depot on the list. And many stores give the couple a scanning gun, turning the process into something of a sport. Male music enthusiasts have embraced the job of selecting the perfect band, and foodies savor menu and wine duties. Photographers and videographers find themselves negotiating with tech-obsessed men who want to know every detail about pixels and resolution.
Grooms are pioneers in another recent wedding trend: Web sites. Often they'll have links from their personal sites to online registries, photos of the happy couple, bios of the wedding party, and other details for guests. Last September, Brooklynite Doug Gordon, 30, started up PlanetGordon.com, a wedding blog from the groom's perspective. An Internet phenomenon, his blog receives as many as 70,000 hits a month and tons of E-mails from fellow grooms. In every posting--from the finer points of matching white linen notes with proper envelopes ("If people are going out of their way to send us gifts, the least we can do is send them thank-you notes that don't look like we picked them up at CVS for $5.99 for a pack of 20") to braving a solo visit to the Great Bridal Expo--he fights the traditional male role. Gordon even created a $17 T-shirt with "taken" emblazoned on the front for brides to give their grooms as a substitute for an engagement ring.
The publishing world is on to the trend. Stag & Groom, the first men's wedding magazine in the U.K. (and possibly the world), debuted last month. The first issue included features on speechwriting, honeymoons, and the stag (the Brit version of a bachelor bash), and there's more to come. "We haven't touched shoes or cufflinks," notes founder Chris Hanage.
On this side of the pond, two upcoming groom's books have the same idea. In September, Sharon Naylor rolls out The Groom's Guide: A Wedding Planner for Today's Marrying Man. The similarly titled The Groom's Guide: An Indispensable Planner by Marguerite Smolen joins it in December. "[Grooms] want the day to reflect them and make it decidedly less girly," Naylor says of her book--although she thinks her average customer will be a woman seeking a book to give her betrothed.
After all, many brides welcome a fellow planner. "I'm a lawyer working 10 to 12 hours a day," says Washington, D.C.-based attorney Jin Lee, 32, who will wed Andrew Ginsberg, 40, this month. "I don't have time to be on the phone making arrangements all of the time."
Mixing it up. Nonetheless, heads will inevitably butt. Visitors to Gordon's site know all about the battle he waged to create mix CDs as a favor (his fiancee feared arrest for copyright infringement). The latest word is that she finally caved after talking out the "ethical implications."
Women are often so appreciative that their grooms care that they are willing to bend. Kate Collins, 26, of Bronxville, N.Y., was determined not to have her reception at the same site her sister did, but when Nick Dambrosio, 24, laid eyes on the Westchester Country Club, he was sold. "If he loves it this much," Collins says, "we should do it here." But men have to learn to give in graciously, too. "He wants an Indian buffet," says 27-year-old Stephanie Burke of Queens, N.Y., about fiance David Corke, 29. "I'm not down with an Indian buffet."
Elizabeth Allen, a New York-based event planner, sees such clashes all of the time with her clients. "They need to work through the conflicts," she says. But the consequences can be beneficial. "They'll have to deal with these things, down to the budgeting, for the rest of their lives. A wedding is a good training ground."
And if the bride gets impatient with her groom's meddling? Think of the alternative. When one of Karafotas's retro buddies got hitched, he had just one demand: Bud Light at the reception.
WHEN MEN DO THE PLANNING...
INVITES. Guys like to show off their computer IQ by printing their own.
SHOWERS. "Jack and Jill" style (coed) is trendy. Boys want to open gifts, too.
FASHION. They fret over collar size and tie-knot type, says event planner Elizabeth Allen.
COLORS. Pink is out; blue and green are in.
This story appears in the March 22, 2004 print edition of U.S. News & World Report.