A Second Kid Is Double Trouble for Working Parents
Amy Holzman used to kiss her husband and son goodbye and head off to her high-powered job as a lawyer, her mind at ease. That was before her husband finished school and returned to work--and before she had a second child this year. Holzman, 32, now works from her home in Manhattan, which has eased the strain--a little. She has to juggle trips to the park with 3-year-old Desmond, visits to the doctor's office with her baby boy, and meetings with clients. "I just can't do everything," she says. "Sometimes I feel overwhelmed."
That comes with the territory, a new study shows. The University of Michigan's Center for the Ethnography of Everyday Life reports that the arrival of a second child is a "pivotal point" for many dual-career couples, upsetting their careful balance of work and home. Stresses multiply exponentially, fueled by the new complexities in the family and the varied demands of two kids and two jobs. "It's a big struggle to make the pieces fit together," says author Rebecca Upton, who interviewed 25 dual-earning couples with two kids for the study, which she presented last month at the American Anthropological Association meeting in San Francisco. As Joan Williams, director of the Program on Gender, Work, and Family at American University in Washington, D.C., puts it, "The whole situation goes tilt."
Think twice. To keep things on an even keel, over 50 percent of mothers who continue working after their first child cut back from full to part time or take an extended leave after the birth of the second baby. For those who want to add another to the brood and keep working, the best advice is advance planning, before the chaos sets in. "Parents have to figure out their work schedules," Upton says. "Plus day care, and finding time for themselves and each other."
They won't have much time to think once that second baby arrives. Kristin Bauer, a 34-year-old married mother of two in Adrian, Mich., works full time as a civil engineer. At the end of the work- day she returns home to be with her husband, a chemist, and kids, a 6-month-old girl and a boy of 3. "Emily needs a bottle, and Neal wants something to do, and I'm trying to get dinner started," she says.
A resentful older child can make family life even more demanding. Misbehavior or regression, such as "unlearning" toilet training or having frequent tantrums, can be "less than helpful" to parents, says Candace Erickson, director of developmental and behavioral pediatrics at St. Barnabas Hospital in the Bronx, N.Y.
Spacing siblings at least three years apart can minimize these problems. By age 3, children are gaining some independence from their mothers, and fathers can step in to take a larger role in the older child's care. Bauer's husband, Mark, began reading to Neal, their toddler, and spending time with him before Emily was born. "It has worked out well," Kristin says. "Neal keeps saying he thinks we should keep the baby."
Spending time with the older child benefits the father, too, says Upton. In her study, Upton found that fathers often felt "more included" after the arrival of the new baby. One study participant described himself as a "behind the scenes guy" while he and his wife had just one child. "But then with the second, it was so much harder," he said. "I wasn't just a family provider, I was really a full-time dad."
Through all this, mothers shouldn't forget their own needs. "You aren't doing your kids any favors by being tired and stressed," Erickson says. Take regular breaks by hiring a babysitter or getting help from family members and friends. "The time you take for yourself can have real benefits for you and your children," she says. So can time for "couple maintenance," says Harold Koplewicz, director of the New York University Child Study Center in Manhattan. It can be as simple as an hour alone with a spouse. "Or if you're really lucky, take four hours and go to a motel," he says.
Amy Holzman sees her life as a "work in progress." She knows she has had to limit her career goals for now, while she's taking care of her kids, but she says, "The most important part of being a good mother is being happy." And she is happy, she says, despite the chaos around her.
This story appears in the December 18, 2000 print edition of U.S. News & World Report.
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