Hummer H2
Over the top–of everything |
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By Richard J. Newman
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NITS: Visibility out the rear is terrible. The full-size spare tire, mounted in the cargo area, blocks a third of the rear window. Beyond that, the H2 is so high that there seemed to be unusually large blind spots, particularly in the right side-view mirror.
G-FORCES: The 316-horsepower V-8 engine gets the H2 going, but not without some school-bus-style groaning, particularly in lower gears. Handling was firmer than I expected for such a behemoth.
GIZMOLOGY: The first thing you notice when climbing into the H2 is an exaggerated 3-D effect. The windshield is distant. You can barely reach the rear-view mirror with your seatbelt on, and the conical air-conditioning vents protrude from the dash. But I got over the fun-house first impression pretty quickly. Other than that, there's a lot happening on the dash, with numerous settings for all those off-road systems. The big radio knobs help you find your way around the console. Steering wheel controls are even better.
KID MARKS: My kids adored the Hummer–despite numerous inconveniences. Many toddlers will have trouble opening the doors and they might even need help climbing in. Stowing a stroller in the back is a high reach, and storage in the back is limited by the massive spare tire and the optional third-row seat.
HOT OR NOT? Hot. Unsolicited remarks on the street were overwhelmingly gaga. Plus, military chic is in.
ENVIROMETER: Because of its size, the H2 is classified as a "heavy duty" vehicle and isn't required to have an EPA mileage rating. The onboard computer indicated mileage of about 9.5 mpg in combined city and highway driving.
CRASH COURSE: Not crash tested by the government.
PRICE POINTS: Base price is $48,800. Price as tested: $52,870.
MORE INFO: http://www.hummer.com/
hummerjsp/h2/index.jsp
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Model year tested: 2003
How much are you willing to pay to be the center of attention? If 50 grand seems like a bargain, then the Hummer H2 is your ticket to stardom. Wherever I drove the Hummer, I felt like the most conspicuous person on the planet. Under-30 males leered at me like I was Pamela Anderson in a bikini. Some would pump their fist in the air when they saw me, as juiced up as if I were a Green Beret heading out to kill Osama bin Laden. Women approached me to say the H2 was "cool" and "beautiful." Not all the attention was fawning, though. One woman who was in the yard with her toddler ran and clutched the child to her chest when she saw me coming down the street, as if storm troopers had just rolled into town. She glared at me icily as I drove by.
The H2 doesn't care. It's not a vehicle that's out to make friends or try to please everybody. From the start, it will alienate legions of drivers. The passenger cabin and cargo area are so high that many women, and smaller-than-average men, will find it uncomfortable just getting in and out of. Everybody who has ever complained about poor visibility behind an SUV will feel completely blind behind the H2. It could well become a rallying cry for environmentalists; it averaged 9.5 miles per gallon in combined city and highway driving. And the overbuilt, overcapable, suburban assault vehicle is such an over-the-top ode to consumerism that–well, I guess I wouldn't want to park it in Berkeley.
When you're the one driving it though, the H2 is pretty sweet. Underneath, the H2 isn't as radical as it looks. General Motors (which purchased the civilian Hummer business from AM General, which builds the military version) based the H2 on the same platform as the Chevrolet Suburban. All sorts of modifications, which GM touts on its Web site and in H2 ads, give the H2 unparalleled off-road prowess. But even so, Hummer honchos expect only about 20 percent of buyers to leave the pavement in the H2. So GM built a truck that is surprisingly smooth on the road. The H2's girth, and extra-wide tires, give it better grab on curves than most SUVs. At 8,600 pounds, the H2 is the automotive equivalent of an offensive tackle, but GM's 6.0-liter V-8 still provides decent pickup. And GM has outfitted the interior with Cadillac-style appointments. The luxury packaging is a crazy contrast with the battle-ready exterior, but hey, this is the Jesse Ventura of SUVs.
I drove the H2 on GM's off-road course at the Milford Proving Grounds in Michigan, and its moxie is impressive. It can scale obstacles and manage grades that would pulverize Explorers or Durangos. But around town, that muscle is completely misplaced. After lumbering around a couple of parking lots, I left the H2 at home and took my humble economy wagon on routine errands. Downsizing from the H2 made me feel like Fred Flintstone, paddling my way along the road. But it was a relief to occupy a normal amount of space in the lane. I didn't have to hop curbs or do a three-point turn to maneuver around a corner, and I could easily wheel into any parking space I wanted. Women didn't walk up to envy my ride, but that was OK. After a week in the Hummer, I understood why celebrities take to wearing sunglasses and ball caps.
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