"SUMMER IS A MISERABLE SEASON." That is the verdict of noted children's book author Lemony Snicket. Perhaps you have heard of him. He has sold eleventy gazillion copies of his 12 books about the Baudelaire orphans (inset, left) and their nemesis, Count Olaf. The 13th book, called simply The End (one can only assume he has run out of clever titles), will appear on October 13. Which is a Friday.

Until then, Lemony Snicket is in seclusion, trying to avoid the dangers and threats that lurk in every summer breeze. Fortunately (or unfortunately) for our readers, he agreed to take time from a sojourn in London to share his list of the top dangers of summer, with important advice on how to avoid them.

Insects. You read so much about the cheerful buzzing of insects at night, but those are insects that are trying to enter your home to attack you. I go to a place where it's so cold that insects cannot survive in the out of doors. Let's see, I guess I could give the hint that the place I go rhymes with Make-wa-vick.

Swimming pools. One hears a lot about how safe a swimming pool is because there's somehow a belief that dangerous fish can't work their way into a swimming pool. That's what I was told over and over as a child: Sharks live in the ocean. But there's no proof of that. One has to be very, very careful. You need to find a braver soul and make him go off the diving board first as a test.

Sunburn. It's a hideous rosy color that looks very poor on most people. And then the peeling of the skin--it looks not unlike a small layer of grated cheese placed all around one's limbs. That's not pleasant. It leads to an overall loss of aesthetic in the beachfront communities and, I'm told, some sort of dread disease that is arguably worse than unsightliness.

It's absolutely necessary to hire a valet of some sort to stand in front of you with a very large umbrella. Hopefully a large umbrella that only takes one hand to hold so a refreshing beverage can be held in the other hand.

Jellyfish in the ocean. While there is nothing one can do about a jellyfish in the ocean, the best method of protecting yourself is to combine the two methods regarding swimming pools and sunburn. Choose a person to push ahead of you in the surf. And then have a valet hold an umbrella at a threatening distance. An umbrella underwater looks very much like a large threatening jellyfish and could scare away some of the more deadly members of the jellyfish swarm.

Tourists. In cities that I frequent, I fear being held as the most charming example of a local custom: "Oh, everyone in San Francisco must be moodily staring into an espresso macchiato and weeping."

To avoid this circumstance, once again, try to convince someone the umbrella you're holding is actually a large jellyfish that has moved onto land and is ready to terrorize the populace--or those visiting the populace. The nice thing about waving an umbrella and trying to convince people it's a large jellyfish is that people stay away anyway. They don't believe you, but they're wary nonetheless. When in doubt, scream and run away. Screaming and running away is almost always a safe course.