In Inheritance, the Meek May Not Get Much After All
Rochelle Lewis received her first lesson in estate planning at age 10 in her grandmother's kitchen. "One day, this will be yours," said Grandma Katie, showing her oldest granddaughter her diamond ring. Lewis promptly forgot about it until 17 years later, when her grandmother died and she inherited the ring. Now Lewis, 50, has requested in her own will that the ring go to the first granddaughter of each generation. Without realizing it, Grandma Katie had gracefully launched a process many put off: designating the destination of personal possessions upon one's death.
Most people ignore the subject because it's difficult to talk about death. But with baby boomers poised to inherit the largest amount of assets in history--from $10.4 trillion to as much as $41 trillion, depending on the estimate--it's a conversation that experts say is necessary. Yet an industry survey last October showed that 41 percent of respondents hadn't written a will and nearly half of those ages 35 to 54 hadn't discussed with their parents what they will inherit. "A lot of people don't want to deal with the emotional messiness of the situation," says one Philadelphia lawyer, "but sometimes the most difficult conversations can be the most rewarding."
Connect the dots. Dan Rottenberg, author of The Inheritor's Handbook, suggests calling a family conference, using a mediator if siblings tend to argue, and being open about what pieces of property have sentimental value to whom. "Families are generally shocked about what people really want," says University of Minnesota Prof. Marlene Stum, who helped create a video and workbook to guide families through the planning process. She cites a family of adults whose only item of contention was--in a surprise to all of them--a Winnie-the-Pooh book. Some suggest letting family members mark items they want to inherit. Gerald Le Van, a business adviser in Black Mountain, N.C., and his wife took their grandchildren to the park while their three adult children and two cousins roamed the family house, marking their selections with color-coded sticky dots. When Le Van returned with the tots in tow, he says, "the only thing that had five dots on it was my wife's wedding picture." Its fate undecided, the picture still resides with the Le Vans, who never removed the five dots.
Estate attorneys advise documenting your wishes in a list or a videotape that you keep at home and making reference to that separate list in the will, to allow for changes without paying for legal assistance. Though it isn't legally binding, says Chicago lawyer Blooma Stark, "I've found that when such a list exists, everybody honors it." Not only does that list allow for changes of heart, it eliminates confusion that tends to ensue when the same item gets promised to several people. "An area where people have a lot of conflict is 'Mom promised me,' " says Chicago estate attorney Eileen Trost. "She may have promised that same item to four other people, having forgotten she gave it to you."
And the burden of communication shouldn't rest solely on the parents' shoulders; adult children should push past their concerns about appearing greedy or tactless. One way is to approach your parents while doing your own estate planning, mentioning how your preparations caused you to wonder if they had settled everything. "That way," says estate planner Ellen Kahn of San Francisco, "it's set in a context instead of out of the blue." Grandchildren are a good conversation starter, too, as your parents may prefer that some items go straight to your kids rather than you. You might offer to put your parents in touch with your estate lawyer. Or you could remind them how bitter feuds can start over one memento and suggest estate planning as a way of preserving family harmony.
"Once the parents are gone, some of those old sibling resentments resurface," says Jane Brooks, author of the book Midlife Orphan. She and her sister lost both their parents within 16 months. "There's always one sibling who feels 'Mom and Dad loved you more than they loved me.' This is the time it comes out." Adult children can also remind parents that if they don't face up to estate-planning duties, state laws--complete with the tax bite--will decide matters for them without family input.
That's exactly what 80-year-old Harriet Blackman of New York worried about when she realized she'd lost her will. She called her daughter Carol in a panic. Carol found an estate lawyer who redid the paperwork, calming Harriet's fears in the bargain. Some planners even urge their clients to enjoy the process, thinking of their willed items as gifts. "It's important to think about what individuals might like," says Kahn of San Francisco. "It doesn't have to be a big item. The person who receives it will be very touched that Grandma thought about her. People truly love to be thought of in this way."
WHERE TO LEARN MORE
Ask the experts. The National Association of Financial and Estate Planning (www.nafep.com) and American Academy of Estate Planning Attorneys (www.estateplanforyou.com) offer information and free consultations online.
Powwow. Who Gets Grandma's Yellow Pie Plate? (University of Minnesota Extension Service, 800-876-8636). A video ($30) and workbook ($12.50) walk families through the divvying-up process.
This story appears in the February 21, 2000 print edition of U.S. News & World Report.