By Robert Schlesinger, Thomas Jefferson Street blog
President Obama is set to throw out the ceremonial first pitch to kick off the Washington Nationals' season opener (against the National League Champion Philadelphia Phillies) this afternoon. And this being Washington, where people issue statements about everything and often don't wait for events to happen before reacting to them, you can be sure that different folks have statements ready about the august event. Here's my guess at what we can expect in the wake of the southpaw-in-chief's first pitch of the season:
... House Republican Leader John Boehner issuing a statement that "President Obama threw a strike right at the heart of freedom today, a bean-ball aimed from radical left field directly at liberty's head.
... the news that Senate Republicans had petitioned to conference on the mound with Obama before the game, with hopes of not having to relinquish it and let him throw the pitch.
... a press release from the Republican National Committee that says, simply: "Worst. First pitch. Ever."
... a press release from the Democratic National Committee comparing the speed of Obama's first pitch with that of his predecessors, showing that the current chief executive has a better fastball than any president for the last 100 years.
... a press release from Organizing for America claiming that grass-roots work from its activists added 10 miles per hour to Obama's heater.
... a statement from the libertarians pointing out that the phrase "first pitch" does not appear in the Constitution, calling the activity unconstitutional.
... a statement Dick Cheney leaks to Politico to the effect that our enemies will view Obama's pitch as a sign of weakness, and that it will lead directly to terrorist attacks upon helpless Americans.
... a Facebook post from Sarah Palin praising the "commonsense values" of baseball and its place at the heart of "real America." Except for the Nationals, who are of course from Montreal. (She can see Canada from her house.)
... a press release from Mitt Romney decrying Obama's pitch as a betrayal of American greatness. Oh, and also that his Massachusetts government-run healthcare plan has nothing at all in common with Obamacare.
... a MoveOn.org E-mail to its members bemoaning that the pitch wasn't far enough to the left.
... an op-ed from the Democratic Leadership Council arguing that it needed to get more of the heart of the plate--"swing voters' wheelhouse."
... a Rasmussen poll showing that, by a wide margin, Americans prefer right-handed pitchers.
... a Glenn Beck blackboard demonstration showing that the Nationals and Phillies share the color red--which is the color of communism; that the Phils and Nats play in the National League East, which is shorthand for "nationalization by those in league with the Eastern establishment"; and that by appearing at a Washington ballgame, Obama is signaling that he favors big government (Washington) over the Constitution (which was written in Philadelphia).
Exit question: Which is higher in October: Obama's approval rating or the number of Nats wins?