Bonnie Erbe

Catholic Marriage Counseling Is Driving Couples Away

February 9, 2009 RSS Feed Print

By Bonnie Erbe, Thomas Jefferson Street blog

I have always thought that one terrific thing churches provide is counseling for engaged couples before they marry, to make sure they are ready for the rigors of "til death do us part." That is, until this weekend when an acquaintance of mine described her own premarital weekend retreat at a Catholic campus.

I am revealing neither her name nor the campus where the retreat was held nor the name of the priest who ran the weekend meeting. I'm still sure, despite what I'm about to recount, there are premarital programs offered by Catholic and other churches that are incredibly beneficial and that truly do strive to prepare young people for long-lasting, loving relationships.

I was expecting to hear the church would offer couples advice on how to resolve money differences or how to raise children in a loving environment, even when parents are not getting along. I hoped to hear about how church officials counseled young lovers to overcome the inevitable stage of marriage where the romance dies, but inspire them that even if it recedes temporarily, it comes back, while a deeper and deeper friendship, companionship, and relationship develops.

There was little or none of that. The majority of the weekend retreat was spent telling the young couples they were to produce as many children as possible, pounding them with the multitude of sins they were likely to commit and for which they would go to hell, and treating them like would-be criminals instead of hopeful ingénues about to enter a sacred relationship.

My acquaintance is a bit of a fallen-away Catholic, as is her now-husband. They agreed to marry in the church to satisfy the wishes of an elderly, beloved relative. They hoped the retreat would woo them back into the church's fold. Instead they both left it promising never to set food inside a church again after the wedding ceremony.

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After many years I have since returned to my faith. Seeking the solitude of her arms once again,to sooth away the hurt given to my by her very own priests. I know that I should never had let one priest or other fellow parishioners behaviors drive me away from my beloved faith.Alas i did just that. I was young and in grief and found no solace where I should have been able too. My brother had killed himself, this was unforgivable. Many people saw this as a stain upon the rest of the family. I felt abandoned.I left the church only to feel more ashamed and less loved than I had ever before.Later when I found a man i truly loved and was living with him we became pregnant. to appease my parents and my own belief systems i wanted him Baptized in the Catholic church.It took all my strength to walk through those same doors,go to confession and ask for this baptism on behalf of my son. The new priest told me that " my son was a bastard and would burn in hell and he and I would both burn in hell if #1 the father did not convert & marry me @ once or#2 I did not leave him immediately. I left the office heart broken and shattered.I called one of the deacons of the church, as his last act before he retired he agreed to baptize my son.It took me 18 years to step into a church again. I grew up in the church,I went to Catholic school,I made a high school Christos,I was involved in the choir, the youth ministry.The church was my life, my life belong to God.Now all I want is my marriage blessed so once again have my church back,my community back.I have always had my faith. Just not my community. It has always saddened me that a few people in the church whether they were the clergy or lay could do so much damage to the young in their time of needs.Now I am hoping and praying that I being 40 now will be able to be welcomed home again to my community of faith. i have since found a different Catholic church to attend.

To say the least I am scared mindless as to what awaits my husband and I. He will not convert under any circumstance *he is Lutheran/agnostic, * how ever is willing to go through the process to make this happen for me.He knows this important to me. I know I am not the only person to have this situation.I know that Christ calls us to witness through

faith, what great faith do I show than to follow what calls my heart and follow this through?

Melissa Lugo of AZ 9:16PM October 12, 2009

Have you even thought to get other peoples perception of how the retreat went prior to publishing yourrrrr opinion on the weekend.

Seems very slanted.

Joe of NJ 1:46PM July 18, 2009

Its another hate Catholic article along with Hollywood and everyone else who favors abortion. Part of the Dont let them gather in the churches mentality.

You know what we dont behead people or tell them they are too dirty to handle the bible what an insult to ask soldiers to hand the Korhran with white gloves to a prisoner. Do they done gloves to give their prisoners bibles or copies of religious text because they are dirty? No not another attack on Catholics just for money. Thats wrong.

cmoor of MI 10:57PM February 11, 2009

Bonnie Erbe

Bonnie Erbe

Bonnie Erbe is a contributing editor at U.S. News & World Report and hosts PBS's weekly news analysis program, To the Contrary with Bonnie Erbe. She also writes a weekly syndicated newspaper column for Scripps Howard News Service.

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