Help Wanted: 2012 GOP Presidential Candidate

Since bin Laden's demise, GOP presidential candidates have gone into hiding. Maybe they're in Pakistan, too.

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Republican presidential candidates are dropping like flies from the carcass of a dead elephant.  

In the last week, the Republican Party has lost three of its presidential candidates. Haley Barbour, the governor of Mississippi; Mike Huckabee, the former governor of Arkansas; and Donald Trump, The Donald, all took passes to avoid getting their posteriors kicked by President Barack Obama.

[Check out a roundup of political cartoons on the 2012 GOP candidates.]

Last week, the situation got so desperate that the highest ranking Republican in the country, House speaker John Boehner, went on the Today Show and asked Matt Lauer to send out an all-points bulletin for a decent GOP presidential candidate. If the GOP presidential campaign was a '60s sitcom, its title would be Mitch Daniels and Chris Christie, Where Are You?

Six months ago, the GOP was at the top of the world, and now the party can’t find anybody to run against the president. I don’t think that President Obama’s re-election is a lead pipe cinch. But Republicans do. In the aftermath of the administration’s success in tracking down Osama bin Laden’s hiding place, Republican presidential candidates have gone into hiding. Maybe they’re in Pakistan, too.

I suppose this leaves the Republican nomination open for the father of Obamacare, Mitt Romney. I can't imagine the Tea Party is happy about that. The wing nuts may to try to coax Sarah Palin into the race, but national polls indicate she is the most unpopular politician in the country. Her campaign would make a hell of a good reality TV show, though. [Vote now: Who is your pick for the 2012 GOP nomination?]

Charlie Sheen is out of a job. He would be a perfect addition to the cast of the GOP freak show starring Newt Gingrich and Michele Bachmann. Believe me, Sheen’s candidacy isn’t any more ridiculous than Donald Trump’s. Best of all, Charlie is cut from presidential timber: His father, Martin Sheen, played a president on TV. After the Adams and Bush families, the Sheens would be the third father-and-son presidential team. I hope the Sheen dynasty works out better than the last one.

If all else fails, I have a great idea. I’m not usually in the business of giving advice to Republicans, but in this case I’ll make an exception. I have a great idea that would help them find someone to run against President Obama: Craigslist.

Craigslist has already worked well for the GOP, so why not use it again? Earlier this year, Republican Rep. Chris Lee from upstate New York found a girlfriend on Craigslist. Needless to say, neither his wife nor Speaker Boehner found this amusing. By the way, there will be a special election on Tuesday to fill the vacancy left by ex-Representative Lee (R-Craigslist). [See a slide show of GOP 2012 contenders.]

Here are my suggestions for the Craigslist ad:

Applicant must drink tea with all of his or her meals.

Applicant must never make left turns at intersections. This may sound crazy, but there is a conservative precedent. The former reactionary director of the FBI, J. Edgar Hoover, ordered his chauffer never to make left turns. Among Hoover’s other quirks was the pleasure he took dressing in women’s clothes. Apparently he was a vision to behold in a pink taffeta cocktail dress.

Applicant must be eligible for Bush tax cuts for rich people. Preference will be given to bankers, billionaires, and oil company executives.

Applicant must provide his or her own healthcare. The GOP doesn’t do healthcare. But don’t worry. The Republican members of Congress who voted to kill Medicare for millions of Americans still have their own socialized, gold-plated federal healthcare program.

The candidate will not be eligible for a retirement plan. We don’t have one. You’re on your own.

Applicant must supply his or her own car. It should be a gas guzzler with a broken exhaust system.

Send your resume to the office of Speaker John Boehner. Moderates and serious candidates need not reply.

  • Check out a roundup of political cartoons on the 2012 GOP candidates.
  • See a slide show of GOP 2012 contenders.
  • Vote now: Would Trump have won the 2012 GOP nomination?
  • Vote now: Who is your pick for the 2012 GOP nomination?