Judging by the panel names at CPAC, the world is about to end, the United Nations is at fault, and political consultants will all be killed off first.
The Conservative Political Action Conference, which begins Thursday at the Gaylord National Hotel in Maryland's National Harbor and is the largest annual gathering of conservatives, has always prided itself on some of its more creative panel names. This year is no different.
Among the more ominous-sounding panels is the one titled "Is America Coming Apart?" The event will be hosted by libertarian political scientist and eternal optimist Charles Murray, who previously stirred controversy for his view that IQ differences cause extraordinary economic divides in the country.
Also worrisome: a panel titled "Should We Shoot all the Consultants Now?" Among those fearing for his or her life is likely Dick Morris, a political consultant so wrong about the outcome of election 2012 that he was dropped by Fox News from his commentator role in February.
There is no shortage of panels saying who is to fault for the GOP's election loss, as well as for the country's supposed demise, including one panel that blames the United Nations for ruining the "American Way of Life" and another that says conservatives need to stop "Threats, Harassment, Intimidation, Slander and Bullying" by the Obama administration.
On the cheerier side, CPAC has a panel called "How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Plastic Water Bottles, Fracking, Genetically Modified Food, and Big Gulp Sodas." After big soda scored a victory over New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg in a New York court Monday, that panel should be even cheerier.
But winning the award for best title goes to this panel: "Are You Sick and Tired of Being Called a Racist and You Know You're Not One?" It is unclear who will be talking about the use of the race card in politics, but we are sorry to report that Ann Coulter—who recently took up race punditry—is already slotted at CPAC for a later speaking spot.
Melodrama, of course, isn't restricted to one political party. The progressive conference Netroots Nation in 2012 featured panels titled "Liberate Your Ass: Why Sexual Freedom is Key to Fighting the Right" and "What Progressives Can Do to Stop the War on Public Education."