Facebook, TSA pat-downs, Presidents' Day, plump women, forced TV cohosts, and all sorts of male habits are under fire from conservative talk radio's emerging grouch Laura Ingraham.
In a book that will have even the liberal foes of the conservative talker nodding in agreement, Ingraham writes the definitive list of pet peeves for middle-age Americans, especially women, in Of Thee I Zing, America's Cultural Decline from Muffin Tops to Body Shots. Whispers was provided an early copy of the book from Threshold Editions.
"Look around you. Do you even recognize what passes for American 'culture' these days?" she asks in the book out July 12. "Our manners are shot. We dress like homeless prostitutes and derelict drug addicts. We spend countless hours social networking and end up becoming less social. Our pop culture has popped. In areas as broad as personal grooming, recreation, education, parenting, faith, and even the way we travel, the verdict is in: we have fallen faster than a discount facelift. We're going to hell in a hand basket," she adds.
Here are a few of her peeves:
--Facebook and Facebook games, especially parents who "friend" their kids on the social networking site.
--TSA pat-downs. "If I need a massage, I'll schedule one."
--Cheap churchgoers. She cites a family pouring out of a Mercedes dressed in Brooks Brothers and lugging Starbucks who cough up just $1 for the collection. "Six dollars for the drink. One dollar for Jesus. I hope their barista will save them a place in Paradise."
--Men, especially teeth suckers, ice chewers, nose pickers, "ear divers," those who dye their hair or pull back gray locks in a pony tail, any who text date invitations or call first dates "babe," and guys who don't walk women to their door. Worse, old guys who marry young like Playboy's Hugh Hefner. "If gramps were gumming his Jell-O in a retirement home and not as lord of the Playboy Mansion, I doubt if any of these women would give him the time of day."
--"Stupid" kid names. "Jermajesty (Jermaine Jackson). the sibling will be called Jerhighness. Blanket (Michael Jackson). Why not Glove?"
--The cupcake craze. "OK, the Georgetown Cupcakes are good, but so are Little Debbies."
--Presidents' Day, which used to celebrate Washington's birthday. "But never mind, the day has now unofficially become Presidents' Day, a national monument when we remember not only the father of our country and Lincoln, but great leaders like Millard Filmore and Barack Obama."
--Chubby women who show a roll of flesh between their tops and super tight jeans, otherwise known as "muffin tops." Says Ingraham, "A quick word of advice: if after buttoning your jeans, your midsection is wider than your backside, it is time to remove the jeans and purchase a caftan."
--TV news shows that force two hosts to like each other on air like the short-lived CNN show Parker-Spitzer. "When Kathleen Parker was recently (and ill-fatedly) paired with Eliot Spitzer on CNN, I felt her pain. it is the rare exception when co-hosts genuinely like each other."