The Best Super Bowl Ads You'll Never See

U.S. News spoofs the Super Bowl ad hype.

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Forget Kate Upton and Bar Rafaeli. Here at U.S. News, we've gotten a secret glimpse of the hottest ads that were shot for the 2013 Super Bowl but won't air, for a variety of reasons. So here's our rundown of the best Super Bowl ads you'll never see:

North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un taped a spot declaring he's actually the Super Bowl MVP, and the entire 49ers-Ravens matchup is western propaganda orchestrated by the CIA. Kim's astonishing Super Bowl stats: 943 yards passing, 57 tackles, 9 cheerleaders wooed. The only problem: Kim's check bounced before the ad could air.

[READ: Super Bowl Advertisers That Need the Most Help]

In a farewell ad, Mitt Romney looks into the camera and says, "I was wrong about the 47 percent. It's actually 51 percent, and I'm glad I'm not your president." Shortly before game day, however, Romney changed his mind and denied ever making the ad.

Lance Armstrong has a new endorsement deal: Spokesman for the Marijuana Growers of Colorado and Washington. But his first ad for the group was delayed amid protests by some members that he may not have enough credibility to appeal to potheads.

In a new TurboTax ad, golfer Phil Mickelson endorses a program that helps millionaires identify places with the lowest tax rates and best tax attorneys. But the state of California offered Mickelson its special favored-citizen tax exemption if he promised not to publicize the information.

[READ: What Phil Mickelson Got Right About Taxes]

Vice President Joe Biden was all set to kick off his 2016 presidential campaign with a Super Bowl ad declaring his candidacy, but he decided it was too early to upstage President Obama. So the ad will air instead during the Academy Awards in February.

The Papa John's pizza chain had been planning to run a Super Bowl, but it couldn't afford to because of Obamacare.

In a new public service ad for Congress, Mitch McConnell and Harry Reid appear sitting next to a fireplace, wearing Mr. Rogers sweaters, fondling a brood of puppies, while they explain that most members of Congress really are more likeable than Fidel Castro. The ad was scotched when one of the puppies peed on McConnell's slacks and he threw it against a wall.

[PHOTOS: A Brief History of the Super Bowl]

In a bid to rebuild its image, Goldman Sachs offered to buy every commercial slot during the Super Bowl, no matter what it cost, and run ads showing poor people doing heroic things. The plan broke down when Goldman couldn't figure out where to find any poor people.

The National Rifle Association prepared a passionate ad insisting that guns don't kill people, global warming is a hoax, Twitter is a fad and Europeans are sissies. When its ad agency suggested the Twitter claim might provoke unwanted controversy, the NRA pulled the ad.

President Barack Obama prepared a 60-second spot explaining why America needs more infrastructure investment. But CBS executives worried they'd lose too many viewers to the Puppy Bowl during the ad, so they asked Obama to save it for his State of the Union address. He complied.

Rick Newman's latest book is Rebounders: How Winners Pivot From Setback to Success. Follow him on Twitter: @rickjnewman.