How Mitt Romney Can Become a Regular Guy

Swear. Discover duct tape. But for God's sake, don't go hunting.

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Mitt!

Look, we know you're trying. The pressed jeans, in lieu of a suit. The oatmeal. The Coke Zero. Hassling your kids about long showers. OK, you're sorta like the rest of us, for a few minutes a day.

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But you can do better. Instead of telling people you're a regular guy, show them. In fact, show yourself. Here are 10 ways to exorcise that smug patrician who creeps out voters, and get in touch with your inner dude.

1. Swear, for once. Practice in private for a while, then "get caught" saying something salty in public when you "think the microphones are off." Don't worry about your wife Ann. She might be startled at first, but she'll also be, shall we say, intrigued, by your naughtiness. If you're not sure how to swear, rent Reservoir Dogs or spend an evening on patrol with an infantry squad.

2. Be bad at something basic. Like pool. Bowling. Making toast. Don't hire an instructor to give you private lessons every time you try something new. Just stink at it and never get better. Then you'll understand.

3. Mess up a calendar date that's important to your wife, like your wedding anniversary or Valentine's Day or that special relaxing evening you've both been looking forward to for months because you never get any time alone together. Regular guys don't have staff to remind them about all the important anniversaries or make sure the flowers arrive on time. They have to be thoughtful on their own. It's impossible. Stuff gets thrown at you. Learn how to duck and you'll be more adept on the campaign trail.

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4. Buy a remote-control helicopter. The $40 model from Walmart, not the $130 model from Hammacher Schlemmer. See, it's going to break no matter what, and you want the most thrills-per-dollar while you're chasing Ann or some aides around. After a few minutes, the chopper will crash into a wall and crumple to the ground. You'll love that even more.

5. Fix something without asking for help (but not the remote-control helicopter, which will be unfixable). It doesn't matter how long it takes or how tiny the job is. Ignore the people complaining about being late for something after the first hour, or even the second hour. Just keep muttering to yourself, "If you want something done right, do it yourself."

5a. You know about duct tape, right?

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6. Don't go hunting. Most regular guys don't hunt, no matter what American Rifleman says, because it's cold and there's no TV. If you ever do get suckered into hunting, whatever you do, don't bring a video crew.

7. If you're a bad tipper, you're dead. You're good at math, Mitt, so keep it between 18 and 20 percent. Not 10 percent and for God's sake, not 50 percent. You're trying to show respect for the waitress, not buy her.

8. Eat leftover canned chili at least once a week. Left over from the week before, that is. Don't worry, America's food-safety system is so good that canned chili practically never goes bad. Plus, you can put the can right in the oven. But not in the microwave, Mitt.

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9. Act like $100 is a lot of money. But not by saying, "$100 is a lot of money," because guys who think that way usually act exactly the opposite, because they're trying to prove they're not cheap. It's kind of complicated, but maybe this will help: Pretend that every bill in your wallet has six additional zeroes behind it. So a dollar bill would actually be $1 million, a twenty would be $20 million, and so on. Seems like real money, right? Right. So buy the two-liter bottle for $1.29, not the six-pack for $2.59, which will save you about 1.7 cents per ounce. Sorry, I meant $17,000 per ounce.

10. Get dirty, Mitt. Have you ever been dirty? It's more satisfying than you might think. Change a tire. Cut the lawn. Go to Bonnaroo. Sit on the curve at a NASCAR race, and bring Gingrich with you. The great thing about getting dirty when you're a regular guy is, you just take a shower and you're clean again. It's a lot better than politics. You'll see.

Rick Newman is the author of Rebounders: How Winners Pivot From Setback to Success , to be published in May. Follow him on Twitter: @rickjnewman