For 17 seasons, ABC's "The Bachelor" has been helping handsome, single gentlemen find love among a group of attractive young women with (very) limited success. With the announcement of his divorce Thursday, Russian President Vladimir Putin is back on the dating market and in desperate need (in our opinion) of "The Bachelor" host Chris Harrison's guidance. Inspired by this tweet, we imagine what a season of "The Bachelor," starring Vladimir Putin, would look like. Mr. Putin, are you ready for love?
While each season of "The Bachelor" usually starts in a Malibu, Calif., mansion, where all the lovely contestants pull up in limos to introduce themselves to the man of their dreams, Putin will hold his first impression cocktail party in his secret palace reportedly on the Black Sea.
What is Putin looking for in a potential mate? Considering the rumors linking him to a 30-year-old gymnast, he likely goes for the athlFetic types. He would also need someone to put up with the very busy schedule and international scrutiny that comes with being the wife of a G-8 leader. And fans of transparent democracy need not apply.
"The Bachelor" is known for taking its suitors on wild dates, with cliff jumping, helicopter rides and cave swimming being standard fare for courting your life partner. Fortunately, Putin is no stranger to adventure himself. Perhaps he could take his potential mates horseback riding, polar bear cuddling, or flying with wild cranes. Extra alone time goes to the lady who helps him dig up an ancient relic in the Black Sea!
For group dates, Putin and the girls can steal away to Sochi; for the team competition, they can try out some of the Olympic games. Nothing brings out the drama like a bobsledding race for more time with the president!
Reportedly Putin is a fan of martial arts, so the much-feared double date would feature a judo competition between the two dueling ladies.
And of course, there is the requisite concert date, in which a rising pop group spontaneously appears to play a private show for the bachelor and his love interest. Maybe Putin can let Pussy Riot out of jail for a surprise set.
As Putin thins out the field of potential life partners, he will travel across the many regions of Russia darting among his reported 20 palaces and villas.
He will also give Harrison and viewers a sense of his softer side, tearing up when discussing how hard this decision will be, how he never knew love like this, how he hates to break these poor girls' hearts. (And nothing bumps up presidential approval ratings like a little show of emotion.)
The season will culminate in Moscow, where, after a night in the Kremlin fantasy suite, Putin would choose his final woman. The finale will conclude with a romantic wedding proposal in Red Square. (Stay tuned for the ABC's "The Bachelor" wedding special at Saint Basel's!)
We know this divorce must be hard on the president, but the journey of a lifetime is waiting.
Mr. Putin, will you accept this rose?