Love, Lies, and Bank Accounts

Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil

When should you start talking about money?
I believe in the early rounds of dating, say by the second or third date, you should be using the money language of love and finding out where this person is money-wise. Often people are in the honeymoon stage, their heads are in the clouds, and then they get married, and then they have a big problem.

Men are now dating for money more than women, according to our survey. Men don't know what to do, whether to pay or not. And women are hiding [their wealth]. A woman won't show men her beautiful new apartment or Louis Vuitton bag because she's afraid, so she dates down. And more men now are putting career second and relationship first, so there's a real pendulum swing. The men are feeling obsolete and women don't want to outshine the men, so we have to re-evaluate this new power dynamic.

So how do you start the conversation?
So on the second date, you need to feel the person out. You say things like, how do you feel about buying an apartment in the city? And you see how they handle the bill—if the man says, would you like dessert, would you like a grappa, as opposed to ordering the cheapest thing on the menu. Also, if the man doesn't do anything about the check and expects you to pay, [that is another clue]. You also want to ask about the money history of the parents. Not like a job interview, but nonchalantly.

You have to be careful. Money is very personal. I find that people are more reluctant to talk about money than to talk about sex. You might even say, "Oh, I love my Louis Vuitton bag," and he might say, "How much was that?" and you might say, "Oh, $3,000," and if he says, "What?" then you'll know he might be more of a saver, or even a hoarder. But if he says, "You deserve it—you work hard," then you'll see that he has more of an attitude similar to my family, which is that money can also be used for fun. You work hard and you play hard.

But it's OK if you find out you're dating someone with a different money philosophy?
Absolutely. Don't be afraid to date someone who is the opposite of you with money, because the two opposites neutralize each other. People don't understand that if you pick a person who gives you the most trouble that [it] will challenge you in the areas you need help with. It's very unusual for people to have the same money [attitude].