Wives as Breadwinners Resent Husbands

resented husband

I am the at home dad. I was behind on the earning curve and with day care the way it was and is (you can not trust others with your children) we decieded I would stay home. Sure it has been a learning curve, and sure in my early on few hours here and there I managed to remodel our entire home and then build a Master suit. We sold that home and then moved. I keep well enough but with a 8 year old and 6 year old, once play begins we make messes. I cook, I clean, I work wiht our kids on HW, and get them to sports, provide enrichment activites and at every turn my wife gets pissed. Pissed about this or that, pissed that she is working and "what do you do all day". Yet when I offer to get a job it has to be in her eye some kind of wonderous profession, yet, the reality is if I am to be home before the school bus, and here to get them off to school that leaves me 5 hours to work. there are no exciting jobs that are part time. I will work the weekends, and then to her that too is unacceptable as that is "family" time.

I can't take it anymore, and her car breaking down and the expensive repair bill being my blame and so on, has put more over the top.

Private of OH @ Oct 28, 2009 13:33:07 PM

i am superwoman, but cape is torn

i too am a woman who is the breadwinner making about 100k annually with a successful career - my hubby couldn't hold down his job and has been laid off for 5 years - however, in betwen that time, he has not made the same salary he once did - i have great resentment every day - he has no inspiration to provide for his family - i always plan vacations, shop for food, pay the bills, care for our 4 children, and make sure their school supplies are in tact and homework is done - travel for me gets extensive - i need help...

truth me told - i love going away by myself to nice hotels and conferences - i see strong business men with wedding bands who are making the way for their families - stay at home moms have it so easy - Wish I could be one - to the lady who hasn't married yet - honey, don't set yourself up for failure by marring this thud -- most of the women on this site who've testified are stuck with theirs for life and there's not much we can do - you have received warnings after warning - lose this loser and be independent and get someone who loves you enought to allow you the option to work or to have the option to stay home with the babies. Either way, you'll be happy -

If you marry a man without initiative and you are the one who makes it happen for the family without help, and you are bringing in the paper - that's not much of a life or good future - Ladies, wise up and stay strong -

Let's just do the best we can please. We can make it.

Lavonda of WI @ Oct 20, 2009 04:00:51 AM

Female Breadwinner, But Not By Choice

I can sympathize with female breadwinners who feel resentment towards their husbands and to the frustration of the uneven level of things at home. My husband does not have the greatest track record with employment and especially in this economy he hasn't worked at all this year because he just can't find work and I mean any kind of work including McDonald's. He's eithier overqualified or underqualified. He's not motivated to cook or clean and has lost interest in his appearance but he is a good father. He doesn't drink or cheat but I still feel let down. I work everyday sometimes weekends too and keep food on the table and the bills paid and when something goes wrong or there is a financial emergency I have to take care of it. I'm emotionally and financially drained. I would like to be able to go to him sometimes and let him fix things but that is not an option. So yes there is definetly some resentment in our relationship. To others in the same situation-good luck to you I know how hard it can be.

Breadwinner of NY @ Oct 09, 2009 10:46:44 AM

Lazy

I'm a 31 year old professional who has never been married and never had any children. However, I met a great equally successful man two years ago who is everything I have ever wanted in a man (great looking, financially independent, thoughtful, honest, etc). The problem now is that he has decided that since I am making a decent salary, we should get married and he can stay home and not work. While the thought of marrying the man I love sounds enticing, the thought of marrying someone I have to financially take care of for the rest of my life does not sound like my idea of a great future.

I have worked hard to get where I am today. The last thing I would want is to take care of a man who does not want to work so that he can sit on his butt all day and watch TV. My boyfriend has stated that he would stay at home and raise our children while I worked. He said he would also take care of the house, cook, clean and make dinner. This all sounds nice and thoughtful, but at the same time sounds manipulative and insulting. Shouldn't a man want to provide for his family financially? All I can picture in my mind is being 9 months pregnant and going to work everyday while he sits at home and does nothing...I think I can take care of myself...

What's even more funny is the fact that in the beginning of our relationship he stated that his brother who is a successful attorney was married to a woman who wanted to stay home and take care of their two small children. My boyfriend's exact words at the time was "What lazy person would not want to work? I would never marry a woman who was that lazy..."

Sickandtired of GA @ Sep 21, 2009 22:09:03 PM

Successful Wife=Lazy Drunken Husband

In the last 5 years I have had great success at work, husband of 16 years was negative and discouraging all the way but I pushed forward. He has lots of way sto spend my money and never so much as a thank you ever comes of it. Left his job over bogus health issues that seem to go on and on 4 years ago and continues in denial that I support our home and teenage daughter. She is sick of him, wants him to leave too. She does well in school, very pretty, does her chores at home, but he finds constant things to criticize she no longer takes seriously at all anymore. He has always been a negative person and has these self defeating limitations about life that seem to stifle him from ever working to make any improvement for himself or anyone else. I have taken care of myself and look pretty good for 40 something - not overweight, and am pursued by men but avoid that, have no interest in affairs, focus on work and the future. He and I do nothing socially together, in fact I really do not have much of a social life, just work and being mom. Friends say he has it made, even his own do not believe I put up with him. He is a daily drinker of at least 6+ beers, no sex, no romance for a LONG time, and basically he does not try with anything to please anyone but himself. Marital laws make it tough for me to get him out,and I am NOT leaving mine and my daughters home of 10 years. He has let himself get fat and is truly a social embarassment with his long hair and lack of caring about looking good or contributing at all at home, not working full time, not helping with housework or the daughter. When he is sober briefly we speak but generally about household or work stuff, when drinking he repulses me and I stay away from him - which is most of the time. I had been a social occasional drinker, but his actions over the years have even turned me off to that - it actually sickens me at the first drink anymore. I have even told him I do not love him the way a wife should and am not happy about these things (from time to time when he is sober) and he has even offered to leave but then always takes it back, angers, rebels, threatens, etc. Then straightens up his temper for a few weeks and back to the same old behavior. Any tips aside from leaving my own home on getting this loser to get out and away from us? I can so relate to the "13 year old" son comment! It would be a relief not having him here to resent anymore. We have had enough!!! (and when I see posts on line from jerky men disrespecting women and making childish comments, I think that the dating thing - forget it - why do we even want to be around that?? and would not put it past him to be one of the forum bullies posting negative unproductive comments)

Cathy Z of PA @ Jul 25, 2009 10:11:50 AM

Misleading title

I found the conclusions drawn here to be misleading. It seems that the implication is that high-earning women can never be happy with lower-earning spouses... but what it seems to me that the REAL problems are two issues: 1) That when women are working, men fail to take on their full share of the day-to-day tasks required to run one's life, and 2) That as a society we still operate under assumptions that women don't "understand" money -- apparently not even when the woman in question is an investment banker!

Bottom line, women can't do it all by themselves. Marriage is supposed to be an equal partnership, not a division of labor (where the woman does everything!). The modern woman changed long ago, but the modern man needs to catch up.

LEB of WA @ Jun 29, 2009 09:47:44 AM

a nightmare

I am recently remarried and my new Canadian husband cannot legally work. We discussed the issue before he made it to the US and he was not worrried because he said he had plenty of money in trust and did not have to. Well now that he. Is here I am struggling to keep the lights on and trying t o figure how to keep my home. It has been terribl as my husband said all him money is gone. Now I feel like he was not honesyt and I have a sick feeling everyday. I am now supporting my daughter and my new broke husband. The major part is his dishonesty and I have lost a lot of trust in him. Our future is a blank and ewvrything is left for me to decide. Not only do I have to work my ass of but I have to make all decisions for everything. I don't feel like he is may husband ...more like a 13 year old son.

beachmommy of CA @ Jun 14, 2009 14:18:12 PM

RJ, you didn't read

The woman's problem in the article isn't that he makes less. It's that he still isn't getting off his a$$ to do his fair share of the chores and people still don't respect her because she's a woman.

It probably wouldn't even be an issue if he did his fair share or more of the chores, and if people coming to do work on her house and others actually respected her as a knowledgeable and successful person.

But, reading again your post, I suspect you are a troll.

kit of MD @ May 07, 2009 21:03:49 PM