Parents: Stop Hovering Over Your College-Bound Kids

Parents who tend to micromanage their children are advised to stop.

September 14, 2011 RSS Feed Print

Elizabeth Stoltz, a student at Ithaca College, home from school with her family, (left to right) father: John Stoltz, brother: Eric Stoltz, and mother: Kim Stoltz, at their home in York, Pa.

But resist the urge to sharpen a pencil. That's not to say parents should be entirely hands-off when it comes to performance. If Junior comes home with a D on an assignment, they can suggest he ask the teacher for one-on-one help or seek out other support, well before one D becomes an unacceptable grade on a final transcript.

"There is so much a parent can do to empower children to help themselves," says Cohen, who stresses that parents must keep their distance during the college admissions months. "I get parents saying, 'We're applying to Michigan' or 'We got a 2100 on the SAT.' I know you want to be proud, but you can be proud without taking ownership."

Another skill that kids need to stand on their own two feet is the ability to handle disputes, which they won't master if mom and dad are always running interference. Psychologists say the best approach parents can take when a child has a conflict is to brainstorm with the child about ways to start a dialogue, not call up the other party themselves. Otherwise, the child's confidence and effectiveness are apt to suffer.

Self-confidence is nurtured, too, by bonding with other adults while in high school and college. "Parents need to encourage their children to find a trusted adult with whom they can have a consultative relationship," advises Ian Birky, director of the counseling center at Lehigh University. "By the time they leave the university, they need to have other adults—faculty, coaches, administrators—helping them make the transition to careers."

[Learn more about how students can transition smoothly to college.]

Robert Epstein, founder and director emeritus of the Cambridge Center for Behavioral Studies, has conducted research showing that one of the top predictors of a good parent-child relationship is the parent's ability to foster independence and autonomy. "When you hover, the message you give your children is 'I know what's best for you—you cannot do it on your own,'" says Epstein. "Once your child is no longer a child, if you are still hovering—and we know millions are—you have a real problem."

As for Peter, a University of Evansville grad who was able to reach his early 30s with a steady job and his own home, the road to independence was a painful one, an experience that left him with a few words of wisdom for parents: "Allow your children to explore the world and find out who they are. Allow them to make mistakes. It's a good lesson." And one best learned before the stakes grow high.

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Tags:: colleges,; education,; parenting,; students,; stress

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I have 4 children. The oldest 2 are in high school. I get to see their grade cards and sign permission slips. My kids don't let me hover. And, I'm not going to fight them. I'm proud of them for not needing me for every decision and problem they have.

Phyllis Edson of MO 9:30PM February 26, 2013

As an advisor for incoming freshman students, I strongly agree with this article but would like to add that it is an awful experience to deal with these helicopter parents. I have seen so many sad kids who want to handle scheduling themselves but their parents (usually but not always, mothers) just will not allow their college age kids to speak. They are rude to the advisors which only embarrasses the student and creates a negative and unpleasant atmosphere and experience for everyone all around. I think it is fine for a parent to be supportive but there is a time to just shut up and let your child grow up and stretch their wings a little.
Some of the signs that you are a helicopter parent include but are not limited to...
Questioning placement test results when your child may need a developmental class. These tests are designed very accurately to avoid stressing out a student who is not academically prepared for a class. (If a student takes a class they are not ready for they have a good chance of failing the class which will affect their GPA and in turn financial aid.)
Showing up in the office without an appointment and demanding full attention, never taking into account that the advisor may have scheduled other tasks or appointments for the time that you occupy the office.
Talking more than your child at the admissions appointment.
Interrupting your child as they attempt to voice their concerns.
In communication with the advisor using phrases like, "I have talked with other parents and they agree with me..." this is manipulative.
Emailing the advisor and carbon copying their superiors in order to "scare" them into complying with your wishes.
Repeatedly, leaving messages, emailing and calling to get information. Have your "college age" child call, email and arrange their own appointments.
I understand that it is scary and expensive to transition from being a parent of a high school student to being a parent of a college student but think about your approach. Your ultimate goal should be to have a strong, independent, self sufficient adult human being develop right before your eyes. It is not going to happen if you insist on being center stage, never allowing your child to venture out from under your ever present wings. I am not suggesting you drop your children off at the college and take off either but overdoing in this way can be very harmful to your student and stunt his or her growth. There are a lot of other ways to support your college aged child... care packages are great, taking them out to eat occasionally, letters and cards in their mail box are a few ways. I'm just saying...

Jenni of IN 1:10AM January 03, 2013

I was principal of an elementary school and now I am a college professor. I agree totally with the article. Elementary parents hover over their children often too much and destroy their ability to make choices and decisions on their own. Every minute rhe students are involved in school work and outside activities after school.

Arma Hart of AR 3:55PM March 07, 2012