Top 10 Things Professors Never Want to Hear
No.10: "I missed class yesterday. So did you do anything important?" (Of course not. I just stood up in front and ran my mouth about trivialities. Like I always do.)
No. 9: "I lost the syllabus. Oh, and the paper assignment, too. Would you mind E-mailing them to me?"
(Sure, last time I checked my job description, it included research, teaching, and being at your beck and call.)
No. 8: "Can we go over my test?" (Don't you think reading the whole thing through once was enough for me?)
No. 7: "I'm terribly sorry my paper wasn't in on time. My dog ate my printer." (Time for obedience training. For you.)
No. 6: "My friend and I worked together on this paper. How come I got a B, and he/she got an A?" (Hmm, in addition to being better looking than you, your friend is also smarter than you.)
No. 5: "I really need an A in this class." (Well, if I were parceling out A's on the basis of need, I'd be giving them to all those D students. They need them more than you.)
No. 4: "This C is totally unacceptable to me. I'm an A student." (Hey, this isn't Facebook. When I poke you with a C, you can't "remove poke.")
No. 3: "I'm leaving early for my ski vacation. So I'll need to take the final early." (Now there's a deal I can't refuse: I do double work making up two finals so that you can spend more quality time on the slopes.)
No. 2: "I'd do anything for an A." Actually, some professors like hearing this one.
And the No. 1 thing professors never want to hear:
"A B-? I paid good money for that paper."
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Reader Comments
Oh, it's a much longer list than that!
All of the following examples are taken from real life. Each one has happened more than once.
Undue details: "I'm sorry my paper's late. I was sick: I vomited green and pink stuff all night, and then from the <i>other</i> end I..." (Just tell me you were sick and leave it at that! please!)
Undue sensitivity: "I couldn't do this reading because the author doesn't share my religious/moral/political beliefs, and I find disagreement offensive." (If you can't cope with disagreement, my reading assignment is the least of your problems.)
Undue friendliness: "Hi! No, I don't have a question about the reading, or the course, or grad school in your field, or anything at all relevant to your job. No, I'm just here in your office to chat because my friends are busy, or maybe I tend to get crushes on authority figures. I can see that you're trying to get work done, but hey, I'm sure you'd rather chat about my ski vacation, right?"
Wildly inappropriate friendliness: "Hey, prof, ya wanna go to the bar later? Or we could go to a movie..." (Ewww! No! And if I said yes, I could get fired! And as I said, No!)
Undue revelations: "My mother's mean and my boyfriend's pushy and my roommates are annoying. Also, this underwear I'm wearing just doesn't fit right. And I think I may have scabies. Why are you handing me the brochure to the campus therapy office? Can't I just talk to <i>you</i> about this?"
Undue distress: "I'm only getting a B+ in your course? How can I only getting a B+? I've worked so hard! Yes, I'm aware that the average grade for the course is a C, and that I'm doing better than most of my classmates, but a B+ just isn't good enough! Why do you hate me? However will I tell my family that I have brought shame upon them by getting less than an A? I am going to drop out of college, and it's all your fault!"
Undue helplessness: "Hey, can you tell me where Professor So-and-So's office is? Oh, is that what the campus directory looks like? Huh, who knew? And can I borrow your stapler? Do you think she wanted this paper to be typed? Oh well, too late now!"
Neediness and demandingness, especially when they present a united front: "Here's the draft of my 20-page paper. Please comment on it. I'll be back to pick it up in 20 minutes. Also, I'll be getting you a second draft tomorrow at 4:00; I'll need it back no later than 5:00. I'll e-mail you the third round on Saturday. What do you mean you can't read three drafts of my 20-page paper in three days, one of which is technically part of the weekend? Don't you know I've paid for this education? Yes, I'm aware there are 25 other students in the class, and that you're teaching two other classes as well, and may even occasionally need to sleep or see your family, but what does that have to do with the attention you OWE to ME?"
...sigh. I really love my students, and I really want to help them... just not with EVERYTHING.
not to mention this....
"I think we should get credit today for showing up?" (The only time you ever get credit for just showing up in life is at your grandmother's Thanksgiving dinner!)
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