Please Update Your Relationship Status, Orders Villanova Gossip Columnist

The author of Nova Gossip would like to "send an FYI" to her romantically attached peers: Publishing your relationship status "onto the World Wide Web ... is your duty as boyfriend and girlfriend." Doing this, she says, will make the world a better place–"especially for the information provided in this column!" To be fair, the Nova Gossip Girl doesn't just relay embarrassing news. She also sometimes showers praise. "Speaking for the female population at Villanova," Gossip Girl writes of the soon-to-be-evicted rugby team's farewell house party, "I will miss the excitement that once was the rugby house."