Starting Over, Financially
Dear Alpha Consumer,
I lost a very good job with benefits and everything. I lost it. Then I got into an accident requiring $40,000 surgery, and I started a business that failed.
Not a good trifecta. I went from a 700 credit score and money to spare to having $100,000 debt, little to no income, and Chapter 7 bankruptcy.
I am very upset. I feel like I threw my life away. I basically lost everything—my home, my fiancé—and now I'm in school and living at my parents'. (I'm over age 30.)
I don't want to sound like a baby. I know it's not the end of the world, but I would love if you could tell me why it isn't.
What an experience you've been through. In retrospect, maintaining health insurance through your former employer's COBRA plan might have helped avert some of the debt pile-up, but there's no point in looking back now. It's time to start over.
Since your question is more psychological than financial, I asked Marcia Brixey, author of the The Money Therapist: A Woman's Guide to Creating a Healthy Financial Life, for her advice. Here's what she had to say:
I'm so sorry for all that you're going through. But, trust me when I tell you—it's not the end of the world. A passage from O, The Oprah Magazine has helped me get through some tough times and hopefully will help you, too: "Gratitude comes easily when our lives are in order—when the bills are paid, the children are behaving and our health is good. But our challenges are what bring the chance for transformation. And it is during our deepest pain that we can be most grateful, because we know our hardship will deliver a lesson that redefines our character. As you practice gratitude, give thanks not only for what you have, but also for what you've escaped. When difficulties arise, ask yourself, 'What is the lesson for me in this?' And when you give thanks in the midst of your trial, know that you're becoming your finest."
I recommend you surround yourself with a good support system. It sounds like your parents might be the foundation. Reach out to your friends. Perhaps you're at a crossroads in your life and need some guidance on what to do next. How about working with a life coach? I know they cost money, but maybe you can find someone to work out a reasonable payment plan.
One of the things that have helped me get through the challenging times in my life is reading motivational and inspirational books. Some of my favorites include: Wake-up Calls by Joan Lunden, The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz, Deep Breath of Life by Alan Cohen, If Life is a Game, These are the Rules by Cherie Carter Scott, What's Next? Women Redefining Their Dreams in the Prime of Life by Rena Pederson, and LifeMoxie! Ambition on a Mission by Ann Tardy.
Just take one day at a time.
To that reading list, I'd also like to add one of my favorites about losing everything and starting over: Amy Cohen's The Late Bloomer's Revolution. It might even make you laugh.
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Reader Comments
Late bloomers
I am a 73 year old female, getting ready to start a new business. All I got so far is
brains, ambition and a lot of hope. Thanks for the great article, I loved it. It told me that my 73 years is a huge asset in character building - - - the foundation for everything that matters in life.
It can truly set you free
13 years in aerospace, great job, went bust in the 80's, years later the manufactured housing plant burned down that I spent 6 years at. I am in school for LPN training at 51. I never had time for school before, now I can go to school and move into an expanding area of the economy. Doors slam shut, and doors open, life is this way. I am part of the multi career generation, also known as the boomer generation. Adapt, and a support system is your lifeline, use any social service you qualify for and never assume any job is permanent. The human spirit is the most powerful energy you can tap as you wait to see what will happen next. You really are much tougher than you realize. It's not the end of the world because you get to see if you can rise from your losses and realize you are capable of amazing things.
why it is not the end of the world
At times life gets right in our face and we must dig deep to find what we really believe and what we are made of.
First, take a deep breath and remember that where there is breath, there is life, and where there is life there is hope.
Sounds like it is an end of a chapter, for sure, but not the end of the world. You lost a good job, which puts you in the company of thousands of your compatriots. Take an honest look at what (if anything) you did to lose the job and vow to either change or look for a better fit next time . If it's a sitch where the company or industry just fell on bad times: can you look back and ID red flags that you might look for in the future so you can have more control of whether you get laid off or leave before things come to that? The value of experience comes in what we learn from it! My guess is there is something to learn about yourself and about the business/company/or industry and you will feel more 'empowered' (apologies for bizspeek) when you find the lessons. Seriously, show me a wise person, and I'll show you a person who's been through some difficult experience!!
OK, you've lost a fiancee'. All the same soul searching applies here, but also this:
This is the end of a relationship, but not the end of the world. Divorce is always devestating and often financially expensive. If your engagement didn't survive these hard times, sorry but the outlook for the marriage probably wasn't better. If that sounds negative, I don't mean it to be. As someone who's gone through a 'clean' divorce, I'm happy for you that you've been spared that.
Your business - like most new small businesses - went under. Read bios of successfull business people - you'll find a rare few who did not experience a few failed enterprises before hitting on success. Nobody bats 1.000! Curiosity killed the cat; PERSEVERENCE brought it back!!
So you have debt, some of it apparently from medical bills. Here's why that's not the end of the world: none of your bills include funeral expenses. You still have you. Better or worse than before? Who's to say? Different? maybe. But that's OK. When you come out of the grief that such hard times naturally demand, you'll realize that you still have a lot to work with and a lot to be grateful for. While it may be humbling to be in your 30s and back living with the 'rents, it does not have to be humiliating. How lucky to have that soft spot to land! If it's more appealing than a shelter or boarding house, it's a blessing. In most states, foster children 'age out' of the system at 18 and are on their own, with no such safety net as you (and I) have.
Crazy as it may sound, you might benefit from looking for an opportunity to volunteer in your area. As the late, great Tim Russert was fond of saying, "there is no better exercise for the human heart than reaching down to lift another up."
All the best; you're in my prayers tonight.
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