Should Women Keep a Secret Money Stash?
Reader Comments
Sexist?
This line of thinking seems sexist and divisive to me.
If a married couple has a shared account, why shouldn't either partner be able to spend it on what they want or need? Why should the husband be kept in the dark? Secrets usually only hurt marriages.
Should the husband keep his own secret fund that his wife never knows about, "just-in-case"? Say, secret money she couldn't touch in a divorce? Or cash that he can blow in Vegas or AC, or on strippers or expensive nights out with the guys, without his wife whining about it? That probably sounds sexist, right?
It's essentially the same thing.
To say that women should feel justified in a secret stash "so she can do what she wants" to me implies that she is being oppressed, or doesn't have an equal say in their relationship.
If that's the case then she's probably got problems that a secret stash most likely can't fix. Sounds more like a relationship issue than a financial one.
Either way, the last time I checked it was 2008. Both women and men work, and both women and men share housework and child-rearing duties. Sure, that may not be the case in all relationships, but it seems prevalent in the middle-class at this point. Equal contribution (both financial and non-financial) should result in equal control over finances.
Maybe the women in the article haven't contributed equally, and thus they felt a need to sneak around?
whether this is sexist
I think to a degree you are right, Mike -- these grandmothers recommended that women have a secret stash because historically, women have not had equal access to money. Men have earned more (and still do). Even though it's 2008, there are, unfortunately, still some inequalities when it comes to women and money.
But I completely agree that when it comes to a healthy marriage, openness is key. That's one reason I don't have a secret stash.
Of course, what people do with their secret stash is a completely different issue altogether.
Stashes are good, it's the secret part that creates a problem
We actually use something like a stash system. Our paychecks are deposited into a joint account and all bills are paid from this account. But we also treat our "stash" accounts as a bill to be paid from this account. On each deposit, 10% goes into a joint ING savings account, 5% to his individual ING account, and 5% to my individual ING account. (we're each benefactor on each other's accounts.) This way we each have our own money AND we're still saving as a household.
So we each have a stash, it's just not a secret. If he decides he wants to blow his stash in Vegas or on a night out with the guys, I might not think that's the best decision, but it's his money.
Mad Money
From an early age, both my mother and grandmothers urged me to have a "mad money" stash, and I have absolutely no feelings of divisiveness for doing so. My first marriage, in which I worked outside the home and made more than my husband, ended in a very ugly divorce and my settlement was considerably less than half our combined assets -- he even kept the house (which we bought together). (This seems to be a very common financial inequality -- terrible divorce settlements for wronged parties of either gender.) Thankfully, the bank account I had kept in my maiden name provided the funds to land on my feet, buy my own house, and get on with my life. I certainly didn't get married thinking I should have a "stash," but I certainly am glad I did.
I'm distressed by Mike's comment: "Maybe the women in the article haven't contributed equally, and thus they felt a need to sneak around?" Talk about sexist! It seems that too many men of "non-working" wives have this attitude. I suggest you try doing your wife's "job" for a week -- it's possible that your own job never looked so easy. As an extremely happily married "Domestic Engineer" myself, I currently don't bring in any income, but I do manage all of it. My non-financial contributions to the household (child rearing, bill/money management, laundry, housework, shopping, cooking, home repairs, yardwork, yadda yadda. . . .) could be done by paid help if I were to re-enter the work force, but the personal satisfaction that comes from facilitating a healthy, happy home is immeasurable.
When I entered this marriage with my own bank account, land, and retirement funds, we agreed that we would merge our retirement, land holdings, and future income, but that my "cash" would remain mine, including any future gifts from my family. Because I have my own money, I'm able to buy gifts, contribute to my pet charitable causes, and buy those fabulous pink pearls without discussing it first. Just because a person (man OR woman) wants some financial autonomy doesn't necessarily mean that he or she is "hiding" something. I do understand that this may work better for us because we're in an upper-income bracket, but I do believe that any spouse has a right to some money of his or her own.
Your grandmother is correct.
Keep a stash, secret or not, it is a wise move. Life is not equal or fair nor is it a fairy tale.
In a troubled marriage it is helpful...
I don't know if this would be necessary in today's world in a good marriage; however, in marriages that are bad -- where a wife OR husband is physically abused, or in other ways a danger -- it can be a lifesaver. Remember that 90s Julia Roberts movie -- Sleeping with the Enemy? She kept a stash of money for the day she could break from her abusive husband. A seperate money stashs allows a person to get to a hotel room, rent a car, or otherwise run for it....
Thankfully most people won't have to worry about this or even think about it, but for those who may face these types of situations it's good to know.
Secret Stash
In the past men ruled the roost and handled all the money. I know my grandmother and even my mother would bake pies, cakes and cookies to make extra money since grandpa and father handled the money and would only leave "milk money" that's all they felt women needed to have. So, because women than did not work and did not have access to money they found ways to make a little "extra" and to creat their own secret stash. I am 68 years old and when I married my husband started doing the same thing leaving only $5 for "milk money" until I told him absolutely NO. I am not a child and refused to be treated like one. In that case I would find a job so I could have my own money. That changed things. Many older women even now don't know how to make a check or know how to handle money because the men handled all the finances leaving many women to fend for themselves when they left or died because the men did not know how to save money or spent it on "other" things. All the money was in the husband's name so many women have no credit to fall back on. I'm sure we all know why women felt the need to create their little staches let's not pretend it did or does not happen even now. This from an old "stasher"
secret money stash
I TOTALLY agree on keeping a secret stash, especially in early married life. The reality in my situtation was my new husband WASN"T a good money manager and when we both ended up out of work simultaneously (unexpected surgery/illness)for a few months it kept us afloat and we didn't end up homeless! He couldn't be angry when it saved us. I told him it was an account I had not disclosed for exactly this reason, and my Aunt told me to have "a way out fund" if you need it. I had personally thought she meant divorce fund, but it was a "way out" of homelessness for a newly married couple with a baby. He NOW makes sure we contribute and try to rebuild it. He knows me well enough to know there is also a "few hundred here and there" accts. He chalks it up to trust and security.
