What Barack Obama, Britney Spears, President Bush, Sarah Palin, Hillary Clinton, Paris Hilton and Others Might Have Said

With apologies for liberally adapting some famous quotations, here are my fantasies about what a few names in the news might have said over the New Year's holiday:

(1) President-elect Barack Obama on his victory: "Nothing is impossible for a man if he doesn't have to do it himself."

(2) Vice President-elect Joe Biden: "If you want a place in the sun, you have to put up with a few blisters."

(3) Hillary Clinton on the race to the Democratic nomination: "The early bird gets the worm, but it is the second mouse that gets the cheese."

(4) Bill Clinton on his wife's campaign: " 'Run Hillary Run' bumper stickers were selling like hot cakes during the primary campaign. Democrats put them on their rear bumpers; Republicans put them on the front."

(5) Pope Benedict XVI on meeting with Bill Clinton: "We agreed on 80 percent of what we discussed. We were discussing the Ten Commandments."

(6) Obama's designated chief of staff, Rahm Emanuel , on congressional politics: "A mother was preparing a pancake for her sons. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. The mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson: 'If Jesus were sitting here, he would say, "Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait." One brother turned to the other and said, "You be Jesus."' ''

(7) President Bush on his view of long military campaigns and its relevance to Iraq: "Do you think that Moses led the Israelites through the desert for 40 years because God was testing him or because he wanted them to appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there? Or was it because Moses refused to ask anybody for directions?"

(8) Vice President Cheney's view of the war in Iraq: "The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was."

(9) Cheney's other view of the war: "According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist."

(10) Wall Street's view of economics: "In communism you have two cows, you take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. In capitalism you have two cows, you sell one and buy a bull, your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income. On Wall Street you have two cows, you sell three of them back to your brother-in-law, who then sells you all four cows back, which gives you five cows on your annual report, which then gives you 8 tax-exempt cows, but you don't remember how it all happened at the time."

(11) John McCain on his frustration with his presidential campaign: "Politics are all effects and no causes."

(12) Sarah Palin on energy policy: "The reason America is running low on oil is that most of it is in Alaska and most of the dipsticks are in Washington."

(13) Presidential candidate Mike Huckabee: "Lead me not into temptation; let me find the way myself."

(14) The press on John Edwards's political failure: "People outside North Carolina didn't know who he was, and people inside in North Carolina did."

(15) Obama's campaign manager, David Axelrod, on campaigns: "The worst, most corrupting lies are problems poorly stated."

(16) Ehud Barak, the Israeli defense minister, on the retaliation against Hamas terrorists in Gaza: "There is a time to acknowledge how much the sword decides."

(17) Director of Social Security: "We could certainly slow the aging process if it had to work its way through Congress."

(18) Bernie Madoff on the collapse of his alleged Ponzi scheme: "The markets can remain irrational longer than I can remain solvent."

(19) Dr. Phil: "Middle age is having a choice between two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier."